Celebrations as Triggers

One of the things I wish I had known when I brought my children home from Ethiopia is that speical events would be a major trigger for our kids for the first year they were home.  A special event is something out of routine:  any holiday or event or celebration that people get excited about or put time into preparing for or talk about ahead of time.

 

I first clued into this when it was time for school photos.  No big deal, right?  It's just a picture.  "Dress up a little today because they are going to take your pictures at school."  Well, several stubborn fits and one all-out meltdown leading up to this event got me thinking.  Oh, the times they had photos taken at the children's home, they were told to smile nice and a family might choose them.  Or something like that.  When it was picture time, I'm sure all the kids were full of anxiety about whether they would ever have a family. 

 

Valentine's Day - anything the teachers and kids at school talked about as a future event - sent my kids into Anxietyville.  They didn't know what to expect, they could sense that these things were not ordinary things, and they were out of routine.  At the children's home, knowing what was coming next (routine) was one of the few comforts they had.  Surprises, even good ones, were not good.  When they don't know what to expect, there is a little part of their broken hearts that says "hey, this is what it felt like when they put us in a car and sent us to KM and our whole world turned upside-down" or "hey, this is what it felt like when mom died" or "hey, this is what it felt like when we got on the plane and left everything we knew."  It would be enough to make me want to hurl.  But my kids have learned the survival skill of "appearing to have it together."  The "keep it under control" coping mechanism is well-honed in these three.  So, when their anxiety bubbles up to overflow, it comes out as misbehavior. Bossing people around.  Stubborn refusal to do what is asked.  Explosive frustration.  Stomping aways muttering under their breath or screaming "I hate this family!"

 

So, I learned to sit them down and talk through the event, what might happen, what kinds of feelings they might encounter, what kinds of food there might be, what people usually do, what people usually say, why people do these things.  I let them know how not a big deal it is.  I think of everything I might have worried about when I was 10 or 11 and try to prepare them for that.  I remind them that they are safe, and loved, and this thing is just for fun, or it is to honor and respect someone, and here are the good manners you'll need.  I tell them ways to make it fun.  I tell them we've got their back.

 

I've come to understand that almost every time one of my kids is misbehaving, it is because they are worried about something.  Medical procedures, trips in the car, visits to people we don't know, someone coming to visit.  Everything that is not routine. Everything that makes them think maybe they don't have any control over the situation. 

 

They have been home for almost three years now.  Last week, we attended my dad's memorial service.  Laird coached them a lot in the car on the way to Pennsylvania. Rediet has some "selfish brat" moments in the morning, but nothing huge.  At the service, they were respectful, they participated, they had feelings and sought comfort, and they listened.  They were amazing.  My dad would be proud.

 

(Tonight, I'll add the video of the 18 grandkids tribute to their granddad.)

 

Stop Trying So Hard

I'm 50 years old and just beginning to see a few things clearly.

I tried to hard to give my first three children a better life than mine, or at least, a better childhood than my childhood... less rules, more fun, good food, good books, many songs, hugs and words of love.  My childhood wasn't so bad, but I grew up with a lot of loneliness.  I so wanted my kids to know they were not alone.

But, it turns out, every one of us is, ultimately, alone. I didn't really know how to deal with my own loneliness so I covered it up with fun and food and books and songs and do do do.  They were good things to do, but I wish I had focused less on doing, and more on being.  I wish I had taken an honest look inside and dealt with what I found.  I wish I had made time for parenting me.  I wish I had spent less time trying to be perfect, less time giving, and more time simply seeing and wondering and appreciating.  I wish I would have helped my kids understand that loneliness is inevitable, and showing them what to do with that feeling when it does come.

Good parenting has little to do with providing, showing, leading, guiding.  It is really about being... about letting my kids see me being. Awake. Sad. Appreciative. Distressed. Creative. Mad. Kind. Kind to me. Aware of the kindness of others. Compassionate. Alive.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” -Pema Chodron

There is no need for the armor of perfection.  The perfect mother will not have a child who knows what to do when despair falls on her.  The perfect mother will not have a child who knows how to dig himself out of a pile of mistakes he has made.  The perfect mother will not have a child who can see all that is good and pleasant in this world.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”  -Pema Chodron 

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”  -Pema Chodron

Simple Meals for the Busy Family

aka Grab-n-Go or the Four Bin Food System
A healthy, eco-friendly alternative to depending on fast food restaurants in the age of travel soccer

I have four athletic kids.  Three of them are on travel soccer teams.  Three different teams.  And one is a senior in high school who plays varsity volleyball and lacrosse.  We have practices and/or games almost every day of the week in the fall.  Plus school and work.  Yes, we are a little crazy.  But, we are also fun.  We are game.  Our kids are much happier when they get lots of physical activity. So we Do. It. All.  When we signed up the third kid for the third travel soccer team, I had a moment of panic.  I pictured us going through the dreaded tunnel under the big yellow M every night of the week due to lack of time and planning.  I screamed inside.  Noooooooooooo!  I am organica mom.  I am happy chicken, grass-fed beef, free-range eggs, and farm-fresh veggies from the lovely folks at Backbone Food Farm and Round Right Farm.  I gag when forced to use styrofoam and single-use anything. I ride my bike to Farmers Market, people. I cannot drive my "Be a Localvore" bestickered soccer-mom van through the exhaust-ridden (oh how convenient!) bastions of high-calorie, low-value, too-little-love, consumeable ill health packages.  (Have you seen how huge those cups of HFCS-colored acid water are getting to be???)

My Slow Food Vehicle

So, I needed to come up with a system.  I woke up the next morning with a picture of a fridge full of home-cooked food that could be thrown down the gullets of the athletes as they run out the front door.  Brilliant!

Step 1: Get the bins

Find two two-quart containers and two four-quart containers.  I bought Rubbermaid BPA-free containers at Kroger because I knew if I waited until I went to a kitchen store or Target or ordered them online, I would lose my momentum.  Rubbermaid also makes glass ones with lids, and Pyrex makes some glass containers with lids. My bins are square and stack really well.  Create space inside your fridge for these containers to be stacked at all times. You’ll also need a place to store bread and muffins outside the fridge. An area in the fridge where you keep packages of tortillas is also a good idea.

Step 2: Fill the bins

In the beginning, you’ll need to devote a half-day or so to filling up the containers mainly because the first time you do it, you’ll think it will take way longer than it actually takes. You can either fill up all the containers every weekend, or fill each one as it is emptied.  For example, if you run out of rice on Wednesday, just cook a batch of rice and refill it on Wednesday night or Thursday morning.  Whenever any container gets close to running out, figure out what you’ll cook to fill it up again, and the time you will be able to do so.

Container 1 (four-quart): Grain or legume (lentils, people)

Container 2 (two-quart):  Meat or beans
Container 3 (two-quart): Cooked veggies
Container 4 (four-quart): Salad greens 
Breadbox: bread, muffins, and/or rolls

Some examples

Grains and/or Legumes:  Rice, cous cous, quinoa, barley, pasta; lentils, split peas, yellow peas (mix two for variety and complementary proteins)

Sometimes, I add some peas or other veggie to this so the kids who don’t tend to eat a variety of veggies get some by default.  The trick is not to overwhelm the grain with too much of the veggie.

Meat or beans:  Roast a chicken or other meat and slice, cut into small pieces, or shred OR Soak beans overnight, then cook and season to taste. Other options: hard-boiled eggs, nuts, and cheese.

Cooked veggies:  Pick the ones that are in season, cut them up, and steam or roast them with simple seasonings. 

Salad greens:  Pick out the ones that look good, wash, spin, and tear into small pieces.  Store with a paper towel to absorb extra water.  Sometimes I just cut up a bunch of carrots and celery for this bin.  Store in water; drain to serve, fill up again to store.

Bread:  Buy yummy bread from the local bakery, and/or make muffins or rolls. Also have tortillas on hand because if the kid needs to grab food and go, wrapping it up in a tortilla will save on messes in the car and prevents the sad loss of dishes and silverware.  New Day Bakery makes our family go around the table "I'm grateful for..." list on a regular basis.  I don't know about you, but for me, one of the best things in life is Good Bread. I don't get to bake bread often with my work and soccer mom schedule, so I spend good money on good bread.

Additions:  kids can add grated cheese, sour cream, or condiments, as desired. 

Step 3: Kid Training

Show the kids the containers and tell them about how the containers will be filled with food and kept in the fridge.  Tell them that each container will be filled soon after it is emptied and washed. To make a meal, a person should pick the kind of bread they want and at least three of the other items.  Show them what one-third to one-half cup looks like, and tell them to put about that much of each chosen item on their roll or in their bowl.  No fair taking two cups of rice, one chunk of chicken and a lettuce leaf!  Also, condiments are not to be piled on to make the taste of the food disappear!  A dollop of sour cream, not a half cup!  A sprinkling of cheese, not two handfuls.  Watch kids the first few times, and help them understand that a variety of foods is how they will get all the nutrients they need.  Teach them about “complete proteins.”

Also, put a calendar menu on the fridge.  Decide which nights will be “get your own” and which nights will be sit-down together meals. Be sure to have kids check the menu before they get their own meal. It might help to have a reference page posted above the counter where people will make their meals.

Have containers on hand for packing grab-n-go meals.  The plastic ones from some Chinese restaurants are a good size, sturdy, easy to eat from, and can be reused many times. By the way, don't use plastic in the microwave!  I store containers with the lids on, even though it takes up more room, because it saves precious time when we are in the grab stage of grab-n-go. In the car(s), be sure to have a roll of paper towels, some wet wipes, and a garbage bag.  In the kitchen, you could have pre-packed meal bags that contain a spoon and fork, a cloth napkin, and a mint.  The kid makes dinner in the plastic container, grabs one of the bags, and goes.  When done eating, just place the container in the bag and bring it all in the house when you get home.  There could be a small laundry basket in the kitchen so the bag gets unpacked right away – rinse and stack dishes and silverware, put cloth stuff in the laundry basket.  You could make fabric bags for this.  In your dreams. No, really, you could.  My kids just throw their food in the front pocket of their soccer bags.

Also, each person should have a BPA-free water bottle to fill and take everywhere.  Camelbak makes a sturdy one in different sizes and colors.  Each person can have a different color so everyone can keep track of their own source of water.  Kids going to athletic events will probably need more water than fits in one water bottle, so having big water container in the car for refills or having extra water bottles is a good idea.

And, remember; always have a book with you.  Everywhere you go.  Because you never know when mom will decide to sit and read in the car while the rain comes down on the soccer field instead of driving all the home and back again and you have to wait for your brother and sister sitting in the boring car. Hmph.

Step 4: Gratitude

The beauty of this system for me is that I can cook when I feel like cooking.  Yes, there are times I actually want to cook.  They are generally NOT at 4:30 pm after rushing home from work to hurry and get in the car to go to drop off H and A at LP fields, take R to get new cleats, pick up J from practice, pick up H and A from soccer practice and go home to get kids in the shower and to bed. I can cook after the kids go to bed, I can cook at six in the morning while I sip my coffee.  I can cook when it is time to clean out the fridge.  And my kids are still getting to eat healthy, home-cooked, good food.  Nothing makes me feel like a failure as a mom more often watching my kids scarf down crappy, chemical-laden, processed, automated food that came through the window of my car.  This is my personal version of the Slow Food Movement, thank you very much. 

The system in practice

I didn’t plan to cook this morning, but this is what I did when I woke up at six.  Tomorrow night is three-kids-at-soccer-and-one-kid-at-volleyball night.  Two bins were empty and in the dish drainer.  (See, this is a visible signal to me that cooking needs to happen.)  My partner is away, the kids have no school, and we are going away this weekend so the fridge needed to be cleaned out.  

First, I put on the rice. Six cups of water and three cups of rice cook up to fill a four-quart bin very nicely.  You might make your coffee first, but for some reason, I had the presence of mind to start the rice, then make the coffee.  Someday, I'll follow my partner around the kitchen and tell you how to make the perfect cup of coffee.  Today, I fended for myself.

Then I snapped the beans and put them in the steamer. 

I wanted to put some protein in a bin, but I forgot about soaking the beans last night. Since I'm going away this weekend, I don't want to get into the beans or meat work.  (Flexiblity is one key to happiness!)   I found some split peas in the pantry. I can hide some of those little green lovelies in the rice.  Well, not hide exactly, but mix in a way that prevents the children from avoiding them completely.  Mwaa haaa haaaa...  I was going to just throw them in with rice, but figured I should read the instructions first.  I had to put my glasses on... okay... I'm fifty... whatever.  Found out I needed eight cups of water for two cups of peas, so it's a good thing I didn't just throw them in with the rice.  That is them on the back left burner... cooking up in all their evil greenness. This, my friends, is cooking by the seat of my pants. 

Next, I sipped coffee and relished the quiet house. Then I chopped up lots of onions and about the same amount of squash.  My Ethiopian kids LOVE onions.  Threw in some salt, pepper, and chili pepper.  Oh yeah, garlic, too.  Lots of garlic. Helen is going to squeal with delight when she wakes up smelling these onions.

The other two bins already had some raw veggies, so I got them out for the photo op.  I had to put the green beans in one of my handy Pyrex dishes.  I could have chopped them up and added them to the rice or the onions and squash, but I use the grab-n-go for my lunches at work. I love plain green beans.  A mom needs to take care of herself, too.

See how nicely they fit in the fridge? 

This is a lesson in abundance.  It helps heal my Ethiopian kids' food-power issues from living in a children's home for five years and not having any choices around food at all. And mine, too.  My mom had a lot of rules around food, because her mom did.  Cycle of food stress.  I'm trying to break it.  This four-bin food system is one of my tools.  It works well for now. 

My boys are cooking up some breakfast and they just made me a second cup of coffee.  Life is Good.

Instead of painting a room while Laird is away...

...I have updated my blog. Ms. Reality Check (I visit her in the mirror) said to me, "Face it, Ms. Soccer-x3-Volleyball-Scientist Mom, you do not have the time-energy-discipline to Write That Book.  Good ideas, yeah, but writing a book and getting it published is a Huge Project, huger than a PhD, Sweetie, so until your kids # 4, 5 and 6 are in college, you need to put that thing on hold."

Now, I have to respect the chick in the mirror, even if she does talk in run-on sentences.  So... I am going to focus my creative effots into this low-maintenaince, instant-gratification vehicle of expression... the blog. So, I said yes to the updated blogger interface, and I said yes to a new template, and I am saying Yes to me.  I am accepting my current Lifestyle and committing to working within my mom parameters to get what I need. I know there are some issues (like the one gadget on the right has blue font that is unreadable...) and I am working on that as I re-learn my way around.

Meanwhile, since it is now past time to get the kids up for church... I give you this latest picture of Helen (13), Rediet (13), and Abel (11).   (The room in the background is the room I painted last year while Laird was away.)



And... Jordan (17) with her new lovee:

Tegan (almost 21! with the world at her feet)

And Ben (27, with the world in his back pocket)

Coming soon:

The Grab-n-Go System... healthy food, and lots of it, for the busy family.  I've got four athletes and this is how I keep them fed.  Recipes, too!

Living With People 101: a series of lessons in getting along and building relationships without going carzy, plus teaching kids how to Live With People.

Things That Work: short entries about sustainable products of value, family practices, and phrases for various occasions.  Oh yeah, and my favorite restaurants and places of business.

My Heroes:  short stories of my favorite people in the world, mostly ordinary folks I know who live extraordinary lives.

scone on,
Barbarita

For Struggling Parents

This letter is an expression of my grief.
This letter is written with love and hope
for parents who are having a hard time
loving (and/or liking) the child(ren) in their family.


Dear Parents who are struggling with children who don't behave as you expected,

Please do not use food as reward or punishment.
Please do not lock your child in isolation.
Please do not withhold attention for long periods.
Please do not hit your child.

If you are using or considering any of these methods
if these seem like reasonable solutions to the problems at hand
PLEASE get help. Please find people who are experienced in helping families
follow a path of patient love and compassionate teaching.

There are ways that work. There are ways to solve problems
that do not harm children.

I know it is hard to take it in

when you find your child lying to you
or completely ignoring your rules and wishes
I know they do all kinds of things that you never thought of
that you never witnessed
that you never dreamed a child could do

I give you these red flags to watch for:
If you feel very angry in response to your child's behavior
If you cannot see something good in your child every day, some way she/he is growing
If you feel afraid and alone or overwhelmed by your child
If you tend to avoid being around others because you are embarrassed by your child
If you have tried the same method of problem-solving repeatedly and there is no positive change
GET HELP
Find someone to help you overcome whatever is inside you that is being triggered by your child's fear

Your child will find your triggers and will reflect your unhealed hurts

Your hurts will raise to the surface from deep within you
Where you buried them
Your child will unwittingly bring you to your knees
This is an opportunity for you
to be a better human being
to admit to not knowing
to connect with others
to learn and to be helped
things that all human beings need
things that you wish your child would learn how to do

PEOPLE WANT TO HELP

Know this: if your child does not see you learning new things
if your child never sees you admit you made a mistake
if your child never sees you as naturally imperfect
and okay with the fact that you are imperfect
Your child will never see imperfection as an option for herself

Your child is a work in progress. Your child is a person.
Your child is not clay. Your child is not something you own.
Your child is a garden.
Your child is a precious growing being.
Your child has a heart and a mind and a spirit
that is growing and learning
and observing and hoping

Misbehavior is a message. It means "I don't feel safe" or "I don't understand" or "I am overwhelmed"
Sometimes, it is just "I'm not perfect."
Sometimes, it is just "I'm not you."
Many times, it is your child begging for help
It is your child asking you for limits, yes,
But also for love.
Loving limits, explained limits, simple limits
imits appropriate to your child's age, experience, and past hurts
Limits which need to be accompanied by concrete praise and gratitude
and words that show you understand
Or that you are trying to understand
"I see you did this part right"
"I see you trying really hard"
"You seem confused"
"I see you remembered this step, but forgot this step"
And REASSUANCE
"Everyone gets scared"
"Everyone makes mistakes"
"Everyone forgets"
"You don't have to be perfect"

"Every human being needs words that show true acceptance
"You are beautiful."
"You are an amazing human being."
"You are so smart... and more and more you will see how smart you are!"

And information: "That was a mistake."
"That is not okay."
And direction:
"Show me how you can do that with kindness."
"Here are a couple of options for ways to deal with that problem."

Mom, dad, aunt, uncle, whoever you are to a child:
You Don't Have to Be Perfect.
Accept yourself, and accept your child.
But, if you are overwhelmed with a sense of how imperfect you are
if you are angry all the time
if you are taking that out on your kids
Your kids are not the ones have a problem
Take Care Of Your Own Internal Problems

That's what adults do.
Adults admit when they need help.
Adults do not stop growing and learning.
Adults to not use their power to damage others.
Adults don't let their distress get in the way of their kindness and compassion.
Adults make sure everyone is SAFE.

You a work in progress. You are a person.
You are not clay. You are not something you own.
You are a garden.
You are a precious growing being.
You have a heart and a mind and a spirit
that is growing and learning
and observing and hoping

You can change and learn
But no-one is going to do it for you
or make you do it
or even know to help you learn how to do it
You have to take the step
You have to decide to change
You have to seek the people to help you.

If your children are not safe, and growing,
and able to behave and play and joke
and able to look into your eyes
at least some of the time on most days
then you are not doing your job as a parent.

If you are not able to look into your child's eyes with love,
You need help.

If your child is afraid of you,
You need help.

Humble yourself and ask for help.
Please.

If you are overwhelmed, afraid, exhausted, depressed, or angry all the time
You need help.
Get help.

Don't stop looking for it,
until you find it.

 

in memory of precious Hana
who did not receive what she needed
and so, rebelled

Link to story about the arrest of her parents

Day four: a photo of a place you'd like to visit

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Not because I wanted to step on the moon, but because I wanted to see earth from out there.

But now, that trip breaks my Rule of Reasonable Carbon Footprint for Sustainable Travel. I really think we should invest our money and fuel and intelligence on reducing our use of limited resources, and teaching people how to live responsibly and sustainably.

So, when I go here:



I would like to be there for at least four weeks to really experience this place, the land of many of my ancestors. I don't want to spend all that jet fuel on the experience of running from here to there to there trying to pack each day with all the sights you just can't miss when you go to Ireland. I want to Be There. I want to know the place and the people, and to do something that honors the green, poetic, dancing, singing parts of my soul that were somehow knit into my DNA long, long ago.

Day three: a photo that makes you happy.

This is Thanksgiving Day 2010. My whole family in my sweet home, plus my aunt and a friend. Tegan made a superb dinner, and even delegated some of the work to others. Everyone was having a good day. This... is the good life.

day 2

I know... day 1 was so long ago. It took me that long to organize all my pictures. Not really. I gave up.

So here is day 2, because I'm nothing if I'm not tenacious. A photo of myself at least a year ago.



April 2009. Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Where people are more important than things. More important than productivity. More important than clocks. More important than property. Where people look into your eyes and ask you how you are and actually want to know. Where children are welcome. And hugged. Because people love them. Because they are little people.

I've learned many things in two years. But when I stop and think about my responsibility to Ethiopia for the gift of my second batch of three children, it is not only about cherishing them, but also about cherishing all people.

I had thought I already did. I was not even close.

Not Feeling It Anymore

We all know that money, don't buy you love
You just get a job and somewhere to live
You have to look for happiness, within yourself
And don't go chasin' thinkin' that it is somewhere else
-Van Morrison


Here's what I'm not feeling anymore:
my job
spending my life energy
supporting Coal
the burning of coal
the mining of coal
sure, we fund research that finds ways
to burn it cleaner
but seriously

I would GLADLY give up
half of the electricity I use
RIGHT NOW
in exchange for
the END of COAL Mining and COAL Burning

I would LOVE to need to light the candles
as the sun goes down
tell stories, make our own music,
or hey, Go To Bed
I would LOVE to be forced
to hang clothes and sheets and towels
out in the open air to dry
To Do with Less
to make soup on the wood stove
(of course, this would require that we have a wood stove we can cook on)
to be forced to repair that antique treadle sewing machine
in order to make coal-free clothes

I would love to do all of this
knowing
no more mountains were being destroyed
no more miners were being killed
no more lungs were suffering
for the energy that goes into my industry

But as long as I am expected
to Keep Up the Pace
I can't find enough time in each day
to do these things by choice

So... today... upon discovering this Van Morrison song
on a cd that I ordered
mistakenly
(I wanted disc two and accidently ordered disc 1)
playing it on my coal-fired stereo
while my coal-fired lights were burning
drinking my coal-fired coffee
I realized that I need to make the life I want
(yes, again)

here I am:
I will write the books that are waiting to be born
I will create the cool community science center

It will take me a few years
maybe ten
(not 200)
but I will leave coal behind

Laird is going to build us an off the grid house
it will have a tiny tiny house surrounded by trees
where I will write
encouraging words
and create events to help people
be scientifically literate
because that is what I do

and I swear
I will
make dresses
on that treadle machine

copyright Barbara L. Walker
Morgantown WV October 2010

The Next Generation

Gives me Hope!




My daughter, Tegan, is raising funds for her semester abroad in Costa Rica.

My nephew, Jake, is raising funds to launch his company which creates game applications for mobile phones that encourage recycling and teach users about environmental issues.

Our Energy Plan: Just Add Umph

Here is a list of our family's efforts to use less of the fossil fuel(s): (1) We are still without a dryer since it broke three or so months ago... the "solar dryer" (aka clothesline) is working fine even with six people in our house. I usually wash one load in the evening, hang it out in the morning, take it down in the evening. (2) We try to ride our bikes when we go downtown, especially if it's just for fun. (3) Eating more local food. We go to market (on bikes if we can swing it) and get as much as we can from local farmers. We get eggs, tomatoes, greens, mushrooms, trout, and goat cheese. (4) Laird is driving a funkydoodle eco-modded 1998 Suzuki Metro and getting 48 miles to the gallon. This is when he doesn't need his truck, which gets about 16 mpg. Our family van gets about 25 mpg. (5) Laird is telecommuting. I telecommuted today after running around in my van doing errands.... one of which was recycling!!! (6) Recycling saves energy and so does composting. Laird made a compost bin for me out of a big blue barrel he found at the Port Authority and about $25 worth of supplies. The going rate on the kind of bin he made is $150 plus shipping. The fact that we didn't have to have it shipped here saved energy, too. It's amazing how much less garbage we make because we are throwing all our food waste into a bin. That saves the energy it takes to truck that garbage to a landfill and to maintain the landfill. (7) I yell at Laird whenever he doesn't take the reusable bags along to the grocery store. Not really, but I do remind him that we have the technology to keep petro-plastic out of our house and out of the landfill. (8) We retro-fitted the house for night-time whole house ventilation in place of air conditioning. We also insulated our attic to save lots of energy. (9) Instead of moving to a bigger house, we stayed here in our little bungalow. Mostly, that was a financial decision, but part of it was the amount of energy it would take to heat a big house. The hardest part of staying in our house is having such a tiny kitchen, so we plan to expand it, and when we do, we'll get get the most energy efficient appliances for it. (10) Laird installed a high efficiency wood stove insert into our fireplace. This allows us to use wood we find lying around on roadsides and buy from folks who are harvesting dead wood from the forest to heat the house and save on fossil fuels. It also allows us to heat the house when the electricity goes out... which may be happening more often in the future as the grid gets more and more congested. (11) We switched to CFLs long ago. I was blessed with a dad who habitually turned off everything not in use, so this is another thing I keep reminding people in our house... turn off the lights! (12) We hand wash our dishes, though I'm not sure this actually saves energy or water. Anybody have any conclusive evidence either way? We need to know before we expand the kitchen. The others in this house are lobbying hard for a dishwasher, and I just can't wrap my mind around having a noisy machine doing work that is just not that hard. (13) And horrors, we only have one TV, and it is not HUGE. (14) We haven't mowed our yard yet this summer. Well, maybe once. I can't remember. We are slowly replacing grass with plants like berry bushes and fruit trees. And the dog yard is actually more pleasant with the weed jungle.



As you can see, my Home Energy Plan truly depends on my incredible husband, who knows how to build and fix EVERYthing. (Plus, he adores me, and that saves LOTS of energy.) Thing is, it took no small amount of money to do some of these things. And it does take our own time and energy to do all of these things that decrease our family's dependence on fossil fuels and dirty power plants and drill baby drill. Living in a small house forces us to "live with people" more than living in a big house. The flip side of that is it forces us to live with people!!! Yes, we actually need to solve more conflicts and use our words and share and tolerate more than if we had a big house. But, that leads to real closeness, and some really great skills for our growing kids. The thing about drying our clothes on the line... it takes time and extra planning to depend on the sun. The flip side of that is 15 minutes of time outside in the morning hearing the birds sing. It takes a little extra umph to get on the bike rather than hop in the car. The flip side of that is Fun and Moving the Body and less time sitting in the machine in traffic.

What it takes to conserve energy in my personal life: commitment to all the little steps. That's all.

Our next energy saving goal is: a Vespa for me to ride to work!!!! No, not really. But yes, electric transportation... scooter and car. That's our biggest use of energy, so why not have it be coal-powered instead of petroleum-powered??? Seriously, it is still a smaller carbon footprint. And cheaper. Sometimes I forget how much we do to conserve energy, and the main reason I forget is because I spend SO MUCH TIME sitting in the big machine in traffic, thinking of the exhaust and the drilling that happens just because I am in that machine. It's gotta be the biggest part of our energy and waste footprints. But making changes there is hampered by this town's (and this nation's) energy and transportation infrastructure. Which leads me to looking at what I can do about THAT.

I did call my Senators about Clean Energy and asked them to cap carbon emissions. I need to do more of this communicating with our leaders. It occurred to me the other night after watching Jon Stewart show the video clips of the last eight presidents all saying the same old thing about clean energy future... how depressing was that?!... anyway it occurred to me that what we need is for the American PEOPLE to change our ways. There is no way one person (the President), or even 595 people, can make the changes necessary. It is up to all of us. So, what's YOUR FAMILY'S PLAN for a clean energy future? What's your next step to using less? What's your next step to inspiring and empowering others to use less?

Image from Union of Concerned Scientists.

Really

Got a new haircut. Well, actually, I did it. I took the buzzers, and I went at it. Then Laird helped. And it is not pretty. But, it was free. And fast. And easy. And it is real. Picture later.

Which leads me to Becky's post. Read it.

And after that, go read the one about the party she and Brandy had where everyone wore wedding dresses or bride's maid dresses. The plan some kinda real, fun party for your friends. Because life is short. And real sucky sometimes.

(Whoops, I'm going to have to pay someone 25 cents for saying that. The word "sucks" has been pre-emptively banned in our house.)

forever schmorever

Just a little note today to question a well-worn term in the adoptive community (generally EXTREMELY careful with their words) that makes me bristle. Yes, forever folks, I have to quesiton the use of the term Forever Family. It's not just that I don't like it, or that it doesn't resonate with me. Maybe it is because at one time I was pregnant unexpectedly and considered making an adoption plan and I know that if I had let go of my son, I still would have loved him FOREVER. I would still love him now.

This might get me thrown off the six adoption yahoo groups to which I belong, but I actually think it is unethical, in most cases, to use the term Forever Family. Here's the gist of it: I think my kids' first family was/is EVERY BIT of Forever as we are for them. I think they live on in my kids' hearts, and that to label me as Forever Mom would steal away something very important to every child: the knowledge that my first mom loved me and didn't stop loving me. Same with dad, and I don't really even care what kind of damage was done, whether there was abandonment, neglect or abuse. I think it is very important to make a distinction between the idea of love, the concept of commitment, and the assumption of every mommy or daddy's ability to choose to parent well.

I don't like creating a distincition between the birth family and the adoptive family. Every one in each of these families is integral in the life story of the child. To be whole, even someone who has been abused or neglected because of their parents' inability to parent well (for whatever reason) needs to get through all the stages of grief - the shock, the denial, the anger, the blame - and find that place called acceptance that acknowledges that even though mom and dad left (or died or hurt me), there is this link, a forever link, between that person's story and my story. I know, it might take a whole lifetime to get there in some cases, but in most cases of adoption, I think there is no way to justify cutting the birth parents out of the forever circle of the child's life.

In cases where the birth parents were not able to parent due to illness, death, or poverty, it seems cruel to me to count the adoptive family as Forever. It automatically begs the question: my first parents didn't ever plan to be forever mine? It sounds a little snobby to me, like the first family wasn't committed enough to you, but we are: we are forever. We are better. Ugh.

I think MAYBE it might be a good term to use with little kids (pre teenhood) who have been through several different foster placements. Maybe it is a good term to use with certain special needs kids. I can't say that it is never appropriate.

Here's the question I always feel when I hear someone talk about being a child's forever family: What if something awful happens, like both "forever" parents die in a car crash, or of cancer, or whatever. Not so forever. What if one parent just can't handle it all after a few years, has a breakdown, and leaves. Then the parent left gets married again after a few years. Do you introduce that new parent as the New Forever Parent? That old forever parent wasn't really truly forever, but this new one is?

Of course you think you'll be around forever, but how can you promise something you have no real control over?

I think only Universal Love is forever, only g-d by whatever name or namelessness, is forever. I want my language to teach my kids that no matter what, there is love, forever, but that all human beings are fragile and to be honored and loved each moment because you never know when loss will happen. It is one of the great lessons of grief, and I will not cover it over by naming myself Forever Mommy, no matter how infinate my love for my kids feels. And it feels pretty darn forever.

It's not that I'm not committed. It's just that I can't say I'm committed forever, because I don't have forever to be committed. I only have today. I'm committed for as long as I have this body, this heart, this mind. I'm committed for as long as Love lets me be here.

ps: This bright shining light is coming home soon!

Check it off

My niece wrote about being addicted to to-do lists. We are related. There is something about lists in our genes.

I am also a to-do addict. A do-do-do addict for short. I used to have three calendars. Just for personal stuff. Ridiculous.

Work is work. Of course I have a calendar there, and a post-it note list of what I am working on. Not too hard to keep track of. I am blessed with a job I don’t have to take home with me.

For home… which includes six kids, my husband who is Mister Present Moment, two dogs, one cat, church, singing, friends, the house, the yard, the car, and the bills – well, things are a bit more complex. Still, at 48, I have given up on keeping meticulous track of EVERYthing. I figure it is like theater and the show will go on - it must! - even if I’m not ready. Besides, priorities are always changing. Sick happens. And flooded basements. And a kid crying over his haircut. Yes, last weekend’s list was completely obliterated for the sake of ridding the house and its inhabitants of lice and their possible offspring.

So, now, I have one little calendar that fits in my little purse. Its cover is moleskin just because it makes me happy. It is 3.5" x 5.5" and each page is a week, with individual days on one side and just lines for notes on the other side. Not much space to let me cram in things I really don't have the time for. It keeps me honest. It helps me say no. My little moleskin book also sports a ribbon to mark where I am, and an attached elastic band to mark another place or just to keep it closed. I put all my appointments and the kids’ appointments and even Laird's important appointments in there, because he is not good with dates and reminding him of some big things is just one of the things I do for him because I love him. I write my to-do lists on the notes side, with phone numbers. Sometimes I have to go back through to find things. It's okay. If I can't fit things in my little calendar book, I give up on them and figure there is no real need. When I get them done, I cross them out, even if I have to go back eight pages to do so.

On the weekend, I make a paper list of things to do over the weekend and sit it on the table just in case other people in the house want to help get things done. I keep adding to the list as I go. It doesn't all get done, ever. I throw it out on Sunday night anyway. It’s life. Things don’t get done. So what. The really important things get done even if they aren’t on the list.

Sometimes, when I really want a sense of accomplishment, I just get out a blank piece of paper and do it backwards. I only write down what I have done right after I do it. Everything. Nap. Wash dishes. Anything I could remotely be proud of accomplishing. At the end of the day, I look at the list and smile.

Some weekends, I go hog wild and just do whatever I want without any list at all! It’s fun!!! I just get up, make breakfast, then look around for something to do. Oh, there is a basket of laundry. I will fold it. Now what? Make a cup of coffee, yippee! Now what? Call mom. Yeah! Now what? Go for a bike ride. Great idea! Those weekends are the very best days of all.

Three beautiful hours of sleep

We're leaving in two hours.

I am not ready.

I have everything I need. Good traveling companions. Open heart. Arms waiting to hug me.

It's the paradox of life on earth - not ready, and yet, able. Amazing adaptable human beings.

It's the biggest love journey I have ever been given. Everything I've ever experienced has prepared me for this. This one journey.

I am breathing. I am being. I am shining light. I am love in motion.

Peace, peace, peace.

Konjo means beautiful

WE PASSED COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we say here in West Virginia:

YEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Meet our konjo kids:

Abel, Helen, and Rediet



More later..... I got peeps to call! And a huge TO DO list that just kicked out of Waiting Mode and into Active Mode.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and vibes and love and encouragement!

Unfortunately, adoptive parents cannot resort to Pitocin

Can I just say that this week is C.R.A.W.L.I.N.G? Never have I awakened so many times in one week thinking it is Thursday. No, maybe it is the day before Thursday. Seriously, at this moment, I don't even know for sure that it is Wednesday today because I have so wanted it to be Thursday. Even when I was a know-it-all third-grader one day insisting it was Thursday when it was really Wednesday and no-one could convince me otherwise, not my teacher and not even my mom... even that was only one day of that one week. Not four days waking up knowing it is Thursday. Crawling, I tell you.

I can't write here about all the reasons I might choose to worry about my court date not working out the way I want it tomorrow (in Ethiopia, that is tonight). I can tell you I have done everything in my power to have things prepared and ready and complete. I think maybe everything will be in place, and the judge will say Yes, and declare Laird and I parents of these three kids we already love in an unbelieveable way. But I also think maybe the judge will want something more, and say: here, have another court date two months from now, they're delicious. (argh) My question is how does one visualize success while simultaneously bracing for a longer wait?

It turns out this is something that is not in my hands.

So... I figured out this is my labor experience. I thought maybe it would be the big exhausting 24-hour trip over there, but now I think this is it. It is like a very long labor, the due date for which has changed many times, after a 16-month-and-counting pregnancy.

Art by Mara Friedman


I've done labor before. I've done "I have no idea if this if for real" labor. I've done three weeks of Braxton-Hicks contractions wondering if this is it labor. I've done totally prepared everything in place home birth with medical back-up friends on call totally ready for labor waiting. I've been through the mountain and valley marathon experience that is called labor and birth. Three times. I know what this is. This is where I have to hand my life over, and trust the people around me to take care of me during one of the most significant events of my life.

In my personal I Can Do It, Just Do It, Gotta Do It world, this is one of those moments when I have to NOT do it.

Just. Hand. It. Over.

Sure, I've got some power over my attitude and my viewpoint. But really, I am pretty helpless. This is just one of those wonderful growth opportunities in which I have virtually no power (at this point) to affect a very important event in my life. I did my research, I carefully picked my care provider (my awesome agency), and I got everything together to be ready to "birth" these babies. And now, I have to hand myself over to my caregivers and the universe. This is labor. I can't control how fast it happens, or how much pain I experience, or whether there will be complications, or how those complications are handled. I can only breathe, and know that this family will be born.

It's especially hard because there is nothing physical about it. My body is not tuned by millions of years of evolution to totally take over during this momentous event and completely get my attention in a way that makes me Let Go. This is Adoption! It's all Inside, down at the core, there is nothing physical about it right now, except that my eyes can look at this picture of these kids who want nothing more than they want to be part of a family who will take care of them and protect them and love them like the very special people they are.

So, I am taking notes. I know the energy it is taking right now to trust that everyone who has anything to do with this thing that is SO important to me and my husband and my kids is doing a good job. I know how much faith and hope it is taking me to believe that people are working in my children's best interest. It is an exhausting task trusting people I barely know. I need to remember this when my kids are home and working hard to build trust in their new parents. They are waiting now, not having any control or knowledge about when they will come here. They are looking at a picture of us with all kinds of hope in their hearts. They probably have no conscious idea of how they will be using a lot of energy putting their trust in us for the first months to years of their life with us.

Anyone know where I can plug in my trust-and-optimism energy pack for re-fueling? Let's see, what did I do when I was in labor? Oh yeah, I need to hold my sisters' hands. I need to look into my husband's eyes. I need to moan from the deepest part of me, and know I am loved, and know I Can Do This.

Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers--strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.
Barbara Katz Rothman

Happy mother's day, a few months early

There's a baby in my house, and her wonderful big brother who is almost three. They are delightful. Their energy is priming the pump for our coming venture in parenting. I am secretly hoping that sweet Liam will let me hold him on my lap and read him a story. Or three. Seven stories, I'd be happy to read him seven stories.

I am so grateful to be a mom and to have a wonderful mom. If you want to be a mom or a dad, you can be one, somehow. There are many ways to become one of the most important people in a child's life. It is the most growing thing, the hardest thing, the most rewarding thing, and the most beautiful thing I have ever done to be a mom to my kids, and to share my mommy love with others of all ages.




Thanks to Rocio in Spain for sharing this link. It's so much fun to meet adoptive parents from all over the world via the internet!

Before you click play on the video, scroll down to the playlist and click on pause so you can hear the music in the video without simultanesously hearing the music on my bloggy radio.

Nine and a half days until our court date.

I parent teens. What's your superpower?

This is an entry for me to read whenever I feel frustrated with my very important job as a parent to teens... Encouragement.

Keep on showing and telling your love and affection, in whatever way you can. Teens need to know they are loved, and they need to have strong, clear boundaries set and enforced for them. They need your love, they need back-rubs and hugs (when they let you near them). They really need you. Every cell in their bodies is saying "I WILL be my own person" and it is terrifying. It is especially terrifying to a young person who doesn't really know what they want to do as a career, for young people who don't feel smart and confident, for young people who have been traumatized at some point in their lives (most people, eh?), and for young people who struggle with one or more academic areas (since that is highly valued in our "but you have to go to college" culture). They know they have to leave home at some point (because they naturally can't stand these people!) but they are starting to realize just how much it is going to cost (money and energy and thought) to actually take care of themselves. It's relentless, adult life, but at some point, a teen just knows they Can Not Stay in the nest.

One of my son's teachers who worked with teens on the edge for years told me that a teen's job is to make you hate them enough to eventually push them out of the nest. Don't take it personally. It is his/her job, developmentally speaking, to make you hold him/her responsible for creating a Life. At this point, it is your job to require him/her to be responsible and earn his/her keep and to keep him/herself alive and safe and real. But love, your love is not earned. Your love is a fact of his life and he can't do anything about it. Your love is a fact of her life and she can't do anything about it.

Any hurt or resentment you feel toward your teen is a message from your heart that you have unhealed hurts to which you need to attend. Find the ways you as a teen were let down, confused, frustrated, terrified at the hands of parents or teachers or other adults who probably just didn't realize what you needed from them. Learn how to express everything you need to express without hurling hurtful words (or rolling your eyes or making a fist) in the direction of a human heart.

Take care of yourself.

Teens are the wonderful coming peers and leaders in our world. Teens are great examples of high energy, having fun, feeling everything. Teens are fabulous examples of just hanging out, sleeping in, enjoying food, laughing out loud, dancing crazy. Teens are good at letting their anger out instead of pushing it down to smolder for years. Teens are passionate about what they believe. Except when they are, like, whatever. Which can also be a very good place to be.

Be the adult. Be the one who believes. Be the one who respects no matter what. Be the one who holds on to hope, so that when your teen can't, they can at least know it isn't just slipping away.

Stand your ground and shout I love you!

Delay

Well, the electric stayed on, so court did progress. Sixty percent of our agency's families passed court on Friday - yippee! - all of them first time court dates. We, however, did not pass. The judge wants one more piece of paper from the local government from which the children came. Our new court date is March 5, and if we pass that day, we may travel in late March or early April. I think that is the beginning of the rainy season in Ethiopia. Good thing my mom taught me to LOVE rain! Meanwhile, we will be using the unexpected extra time to finish the house and learn more Amharic. Our fabulous helpers (trip companion and house-sitter) are still on board, thankfully.

We are enjoying all the MLK and Obama celebrations on tv and here in town. Today, I went to the MLK birthday celebration downtown and was treated to a live preformance of Ilene Evans portrayal of Harriet Tubman. It was awesome. And tomorrow night, I will be going to the local Inaugural Ball. My friend lent me a fabulous gown, but Laird hasn't figured out what he will wear as his suit is an hour-and-a-half drive away. Gotta go make supper so I can be done with that before the Kids' Inaugural Celebration on Disney channel. Oh My!!!!!