Letting God Out of the Box

If I were a preacher, this is the sermon I would give tomorrow.

How did you learn about homosexuality?  Where did you get your ideas about it?  What is your first memory of knowing someone who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer?  

Here is how I learned about it.  When I was a teenager, I went to fanatical evangelical churches (only-one-way-to-god types). Most of the things I learned went something like this:  someone in leadership would say that something was a sin according to the Bible. They would throw a couple verses out. And that was it. We did not have conversations with anyone who had had any experience in that realm, or any expertise on the behavior, or any knowledge about the cultural and historical context of these verses. We just accepted the leadership's definitions of what was black and what was white. Mormonism, I was told, is a cult. Homosexuality is a sin. Sex outside of marriage, a sin. Abortion, murder. Et cetera. I took on a lot of beliefs that kept me sheltered from the stories of people living their lives. I spent most of my time with people who went to my church.  When we moved, we found a church right away and got immersed in that community, and spent most of our time with people in that church.

When I was in my second year of college, I encountered a professor who was openly gay. I had heard about "homosexuals" from people who went to churches like mine, vague references, no real information, just negative references.  Anita Bryant-like rants.  I had never knowingly talked to any one who was gay or read any books written by anyone gay.  But here I was in 1980, 19 years old, deciding to change my major to Acting because I wanted to do Christian Theater, encountering an openly gay person for the first time in my life.  At some point outside of class, the professor and I got into a conversation in which I was unable to listen. All I could do was spout my own position, and in so many words, I told him he was going to hell. (My 20-yr-old arrogance boggles my 51-yr-old mind!)

About ten years later, I had learned how to listen to people's stories, how to suspend my judgement, how to trust the little voice inside me that said "something isn't right with this thing this church leader is telling me." I had encountered some tough life decisions that humbled me. I had experienced judgement from close friends and family members.  I experienced people telling me I was going to hell for things I had come to know, deeply, were true in my life. 

I started learning about the cultural and historical context in which the Bible was written.  I started learning about sexism and other oppressions, and how oppression works.  I met some lesbian women and not felt the need to judge them. So they became my friends.  They did not convert me, they did not tell me how wrong I was to love a man, they did not live lives of depravity.  They were regular people. (Surprise!) They were kind.  And fun.  And courageous. I realized that some people in this world are born gay, and that is not a flaw or a sin. And some people choose it for themselves, and that is not a sin either.

If you listen to people's life stories, without judgement - really listen, find out what makes them tick, and what their struggles are, and why they made the tough decisions in their unique life - you may find that everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got. All of us are flawed human beings just trying to love and be loved. 

I believe this:  there is no sin bigger than the sin of thinking I get to decide who is going to hell based on my limited little brain inside my one tiny little head. 

God is not our puppet. God is Lovingkindness, embodied only in our bodies, flawed as they are. How we human beings on this earth treat other human beings is how God loves us all. God is not pleased when we point our fingers and tell other people they are sinning. God is only pleased when we embrace other human beings, when we love them, when we are kind to them, when we treat them with respect, and when we trust them to make their decisions based on how they hear God speaking in their hearts. 

You may not believe these things. You may believe that God, the Supreme Being, the Holy of Holies, tells you to go tell people they are sinners and there is only one way, one set of words, one set of rules, one set of beliefs that will make up for that fact (save them from it) and get them to Heaven.  I am trying very hard not to judge you for that. I can't change this about you. If you want to hang on to that belief, nothing I tell you is going to convince you not to hang on to it. I can tell you that I have been there.  I can tell you I have changed. And here is my good news, if you are interested:  choosing non-judgement works so much better than choosing God-told-me-to-tell-you judgement.  I have been a much more powerful witness for Love since I have let go of that kind of evangelism. People have told me I inspire them to be a better person. That never happened to me when I was being Evangelical.  No-one was ever inspired by me to open their hearts to God or to be a better person by my telling them about their sins.

Everyone is going to make mistakes, everyone screws up, and it is not for us to say what is a mistake and what is not, except in our very own lives. Sure, if someone hurts you, you have every right to tell them, "when you did this thing, I felt hurt, because..." But you don't get to say to someone whose choice has no real effect on your life at all that their choice is a sin. You sure as heck don't have the right to codify your belief into the rule of law. If you call yourself a Christian, if you honor Jesus, then look at the way he lived.  He didn't go around telling people they were gong to hell.  He hung out with the lowest of the low and he LOVED them.  He fed them.  He healed them.  He did not get in their face and tell them how wrong they are.  He did not pronounce judgement upon them every chance he had.  Even the Pharisees, the leaders of his religious community into which he was born? He basically just asked them thoughtful questions.  The one theme I see in the gospels is this: love. Be love. Love, the verb.  The command: Love!

Jesus said, "If you are bothered by a speck in your neighbor's eye, remove the stick from your own eye." So, next time you are tempted to tell someone what they are doing wrong, look in the mirror. Don't worry about other people's problems. Figure out where you are making bad choices that separate you from Love and keep you from being Kind.

I'm so grateful for the courageous people who stand up and tell their stories in the face of judgement. Without that courage, without that sharing, the world can't change.  People cannot learn.  Oppression cannot end. My memory of that conversation with my professor is one of my biggest regrets in my life. It was one of my biggest sins. I hope he knew that his sharing with me, even though I could not listen, was a seed of liberation planted. 

If someone is telling you that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, I beg you to read this before you go around spreading that "good news."

And, in the interest of breaking down stereotypes and planting seeds of liberation, I am offering to you my story. Next time we see each other, let's have some tea and blueberry muffins and tell each other our life stories.  I promise to listen.  I promise to be kind to you.

 

 

a prayer answered

Big losses can lead to big freedom, if you open your eyes to possibility and let go of your many assumptions that have kept you safe and secure (at some level). When you find yourself grieving, before you try to "get back to normal," consider sitting in the discomfort of abnormal. From this vantage point, you can see a lot of different paths forward from your current state of life which you could not see before you lost so much normal. What do you want now? When you are in a place of deep sadness, you might be able to find the exact answer(s) to this question. You have a bunch of coping/thriving skills you developed for the situation you used to be in... they aren't necessarily bad or harmful, they were what worked for what used to be your normal. But, to go forward, you might need to let those go, and create new skills that work for the new life you are creating. Loss is the Divine's gift to us: a chance to see Life in its true preciousness, a chance to re-create our lives in a whole different way. Without death, nothing could ever be new, nothing could ever be ALIVE.

 

 I asked the mysterious Spirit of Joy where the heck she can be found, and she said one word: create.

I parent teens. What's your superpower?

Came across this question... Privileges for Teens from Hard Places
How do you find the balance of allowing older children and teens from “hard places” to have freedoms/privileges when they haven’t shown the same level of respect  that you would expect from your other children?

My response was too long for the comment box.  LOL. So here it is.

We struggle with this a lot.  We have three youngsters who have been with us for three years, ages 13, 13 and 11.  I have three older children, but only one is at home, age 17, and super easy-going. 

Our 13-yr-old daughter has thought she should have the same privileges as the 17-yr-old from the very beginning (when they were 10 and 14), and has thrown many stubborn fits because of that.  We really haven't found a way to get her to the point of accepting that she is not an adult yet.  So, we have a lot of important conversations about responsibility and privilege.  At present, she is grounded for lying to us about the movie that was slated for an overnight party to which she was invited.  Therefore, she is working really hard to earn back the privilege of going to see her favorite aunt and uncle for a few days at spring break.  We find that when they have something to work for in their minds, they are more attentive to behaving well and treating people with respect and kindness. In other words, working to gain privileges is a better motivator than the threat of losing privileges. 

Our 13-yr-old son, her twin, acts out in different ways, but he too feels he does not need us to teach him anything or even to keep him alive and well.  He knows all.  He has a really hard time accepting help in any way, and will shift into defiance mode at the smallest trigger that indicates he actually does need help.  His acting out was way worse three years ago, and with patience and endless explaining of actions leading to consequences (lost privileges), he has learned a lot.  He has the hardest time when he hasn't eaten enough, and when math is involved. 

The 11-yr-old was the easiest in the beginning, but he has really started expressing his anxiety and anger lately with very rude and demanding comments, and not listening, and not doing as he is told.  We have found that the three of them have different triggers and different ways of trying to gain power, but that it is all about habits of thought and a whole lot of anxiety due to the losses and hardships they have endured.  So, we try to address the thought habits and the anxiety. 

We have found that writing helps them figure things out so whenever they lose privileges, and have work added to make amends for wrong-doing, we also sometimes ask them to write in their journals about the issue.  (We have also often had "a letter of apology" as one consequence for acts of disrespect and hurtful behavior.)  They start out writing from their anger and survivial brain, but slowly, the urge to explain their side moves them into their cognitive brain. 

We do try to give them some power of choice around following through with their consequences. For example, if their behavior interferes with everyone else and we send them to their room, they are allowed to come back when they are ready to treat people kindly.  Or when they have a list of things to do to make amends, they can choose in what order to do them.  My aim is to empower, so even when I have to hold a boundary by taking away privileges, I try to help them see get in touch with their personal power.

All of this takes time.  So, I have learned to be okay with missing events or being late to events in the name of good therapeutic parenting practices.  My friends know this, and my boss does, too.  Love and healing are the priority in my life.  (I'm even getting better at taking the time to love and heal myself!)

My husband and I have had the most success when we have kept ourselves calm and strong in our commitment to what we call Constant Vigilance.  (Oh my goodness, of course, there are moments this does not happen! We all have triggers, people!)  One part of CV parenting (to coin a new term?) is giving frequent positive comments of appreciation when someone is doing good things, like catching themselves in a rude remark and backing up or asking for something with a kind voice or expressing a difficult feeling in a respectful way.  We had to teach them how to do these things and it took a lot of repetition.   Another part of this kind of parenting is intolerance of disrespect.  We try to catch the issues when they are just starting.  We've taught our kids they can change their minds, they can choose a better attitude; they can drop a rude tone of voice or stubborn stance like they can drop a pencil.  We taught (and re-teach on a regular basis) about triggers, habits, survival strategies, and coping versus thriving.  We praise them for having the smarts to come up with ways to feel powerful while living in a children's home for five years, and remind them that those strategies don't work in a family.  I offer choices and I try to give them ways to save face. 

It is parenting out loud... sometimes we talk through our own thought processes.  "Wow, I'm really annoyed by this big mess in the kitchen.  I wanted to come in the door and make some yummy food, but now I have to clean up somebody else's mess first.  Man, I just want to scream and have a tantrum.  But, that won't get me any closer to having food in my belly.  So, I think I will ask for some help with clean-up, and write a note to remind people about putting stuff away and wiping up."  (Yeah, someday, even I will be able to calmly respond to a kitchen mess.)

The funky mind tricks can last for hours and hours, but I just keep on stating the expectation and the privileges at stake.  But sometimes, when he is really stuck, I have to get creative.  I put some music on, gently stand behind my stubborn child, and hold his hands while we put the dishes away together.  I move his body slowly along, and tell him that making mistakes and being told what to do are not things that mean he is less, or that he is stupid.  Needing help and being told what to do mean this: You have a family.  You have a family who can help you and you can help your family.  There are millions of children in this world who don't have a family, and want one, and you have one, just like you wanted.  So, here we are.  Then I just sing along with the music, as we put the dishes away, and slowly he starts using his muscles to pick up the silverware and open the drawer.  And I make playful sword moves at the air with the butter knives, and gently blow his face with the baster, showing him that doing a chore can be fun.  And he smiles.  And he relaxes.  And he breaks through the fog of resistance, into the light of acceptance.  That's when we can talk about what he needs to do to earn privileges and freedom.

I don't pull the orphan card very often.  It wouldn't be fair.  But once in a while, it helps them to remember that they are living the reality of their fervant wish being granted. It turns out I, too, need to remember that having them in my life was once my fervant wish, now granted.

They are smart kids.  They learn fast.  They want to learn.  They just need lots of help understanding their own minds and how to harness their own power. Didn't we all need that?  Don't we all wish we would have been given the gift of understanding how our minds work?

How to Change the World

It's easier to be overcome with compassion fatigue if you're paying any attention at all to world news. Or rather, 'misery-at-realizing-the-ineffectiveness-of-our-range-of-responses fatigue.'  (Seriously, if you ever feel overwhelmed with the state of the world, take some time to read the article at the other end of that link.)  Even if you limit your intake to national news, there are a whole lot of problems out there to which you could apply the small amounts of time and money you are able to devote to helping.  It's hard to imagine that anything you might be able to do as an individual could have a real effect on improving conditions in a asignificant way even if you could pick just one issue on which to focus your aid.  Even doing something really big, like adopting three kids, can seem like a drop in the bucket when you look at the big picture, like millions of orphans worldwide.

So, I'd like to share my strategy for dealing with helplessness fatigue. 

Step 1. Create your Life Guidelines.  Your personal mission statement. Your bottom line.  Whatever you want to call it.  Keep it simple.  One to three short statements that sum up why you are here on this earth.   Your life guidelines may change over time.  You don't have to capture your purpose perfectly.  Spend no more than half an hour crafting your statements.  Distill all your ideas down into a simple statement, or paragraph if you must, and try it on for a while.  You can always revisit it later and change it. 

For a long time, my bottom line was simply the verse Micah 6:8 (my post-colonialist inclusive adaptation of NRSV) : "God has told you, O Mortal, what is good and what Love requires of you: but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God." Here's my latest, created on my drive to work yesterday in a matter of five minutes. 

Step 2.  Decide how much time and money you have to use to make the world better.  There are lots of ways you can come up with a number for these two factors (see bonus activity below).  And it is okay if the time factor is two hours and the money factor is zero. Or if the time factor is zero and the money factor is $10 a month.   It really depends on your circumstances.  You have something to give.  This is what matters.  Don't let your belief that you are not enough or you don't have enough kill your intention to help.  You can help.  You can. 

Don't allow yourself to beat you up for making the decisions that brought to this place.  Don't put yourself down for not having enough to give. You have enough.  You are enough.  Don't worry... as you intentionally devote your time and money to helping, you empower yourself to figure out ways to give more.  It's a human thing: we want to help.  We are a social species; it is our destiny to give and receive, to be connected to other human beings in a meaningful way.

Step 3. Pick one cause, or one organization, or one person. Pick one way to help.  Follow your heart.  What makes your heart break most?  What brings actual tears to your eyes? 

Do some research to find one local or national or international organization that is effectively doing something to solve the one problem that breaks your heart most.  Then give what you can to that cause.  It's good to have a way to give of your time, not just your money, so you might want to find a local organization that works on the same issue, or that contributes to the organization you chose.  If you can't find one, create one.  Invite your friends over for tea once a month to work together on finding ways to help the organization.  You could all collect your loose change over the month, then come together to count it and write out a check to send.  You could write letters to the editor (maye not like this one) or to congress.  You could make a poster.  You could make a webpage.

Step 4. Remember.  Remember you are one person, and your first priority is to be a healthy human being living a good life.  Remember the reason your heart breaks for your one cause is because you know the people affected by that problem deserve to be healthy. They deserve to live a good life.  So if you are giving up your healthy, good life, you're not really doing them any good.  That doesn't mean you get to live in oppulent luxury and wastefulness.  You know what you need.  You know how little and simple the things are that truly make your dreams come true.  So be honest.  Give what you can honestly give, and let that be part of your good, healthy life.

Post a picture that represents the people or creatures you are helping on your fridge. Carry one around in your pocket. Whenever you are feeling helpless, just pull it out and look at it and remind yourself you are helping. And if you can, help a little more. 

Step 5.  Show and tell.  This is really how you change the world.  Because if every human being takes these steps, if every human being would consciously give what they can out of an honest assessment of the privilege they possess, then you would see huge changes.  You would start to see real equality and real justice.

My college roommate did something I had never seen.  She washed out her food storage plastic bags and resued them.  At the time, I really didn't get it.  I didn't think it was saving much money, and surely, those tiny things didn't add up to much in the landfill.  Why bother.  She never said anything to me about how I should do that, too.  She just did it.  Years later, when I became more aware of the problem of plastic waste, I started washing out my plastic bags and reusing them. And my daughter reuses her plastic bag. Tamara Gorden changed the world.  Her small act of helping multiplied.  I didn't become an Environmental Engineer like she did. I'm sure she's done even bigger things for this earth since I knew her 29 years ago.  But she inspired me to do what I could, to know more, and to do more.

Don't just be the change you want to see in the world, LEAD the change.  Talk to a friend about the issue and ask your friend what breaks her heart. You can help in so many ways that cost very little time and very little money.  Every little thing you can do to help counts.  The way you live your life counts.  Saying kind words to a lonely stranger on the street might affect that person's world in a way you will never know.  Carrying those plates with you to potlucks and work lunches instead of using the paper products provided is keeping one tiny drop of waste out of the waste stream.  But how many people will see you do that?  What if just one percent of them follow your lead?  How many people will see them keeping their tiny drops out of the bucket?  What if five percent of them start doing the same?  And when people comment on your plates, you can have one of your handy dandy statistics ready.  Or, you can just say how easy it is to carry them and wash them rather than using throwaways.  Just calling paper plates throwaways will put a tiny dent in out single-use consumer cultural assumptions.

Here's a little Michael Franti song to spur you on.  Is your love enough?



Bonus activity for those who like to paint the world by numbers

If you would like a way to come up with a goal for your numbers that are fair based on statistics, try this.

Calcuate your annual income per person for your household. Compare it to the average annual income for the globe.  $1,225 per year per person in the household.  So, for my household, to be globally average, we would have to live on $7,350 annually.  Wow, what would that take?

Okay, well, we can't really do anything practical with that, unless you are in a position to sell everything and live like Jesus did.  No, wait.  I could use that number to give meaning to my giving.  I could make it my goal to spend that much each year on helping. I mean, wouldn't that give me a good handle on just how priveleged I am?  To be able to support my own family, plus support another globally average family?  Or I could make my goal half that.  Whatever I can make fit my life without becoming unhealthy or going into debt.

Or, let's just say we want to get out of that elite group: The 1% richest people on the planet.  For my family, that would mean $204,000.  Okay, well we are not in the 1%.  And not many of my friends are, either, as far as I know.  But, before we adopted three kids, that would have been $102,000.  So, we were pretty darn close to being in the Elite group, the most priveleged people in the world.  See, you can decrease your income by giving money to effective groups or you can decrease your income by adding people to you family!

But, the numbers don't really matter that much beyond bringing you awareness of the privelege you enjoy. For me, that awareness decreases the energy I put into feeling jealous and resentful and complaining about what I don't have or what I "can't" afford.  All that energy can go into reducing waste and increasing generosity.  It totally takes the fun out of "shopping as entertainment." 

Simple Meals for the Busy Family

aka Grab-n-Go or the Four Bin Food System
A healthy, eco-friendly alternative to depending on fast food restaurants in the age of travel soccer

I have four athletic kids.  Three of them are on travel soccer teams.  Three different teams.  And one is a senior in high school who plays varsity volleyball and lacrosse.  We have practices and/or games almost every day of the week in the fall.  Plus school and work.  Yes, we are a little crazy.  But, we are also fun.  We are game.  Our kids are much happier when they get lots of physical activity. So we Do. It. All.  When we signed up the third kid for the third travel soccer team, I had a moment of panic.  I pictured us going through the dreaded tunnel under the big yellow M every night of the week due to lack of time and planning.  I screamed inside.  Noooooooooooo!  I am organica mom.  I am happy chicken, grass-fed beef, free-range eggs, and farm-fresh veggies from the lovely folks at Backbone Food Farm and Round Right Farm.  I gag when forced to use styrofoam and single-use anything. I ride my bike to Farmers Market, people. I cannot drive my "Be a Localvore" bestickered soccer-mom van through the exhaust-ridden (oh how convenient!) bastions of high-calorie, low-value, too-little-love, consumeable ill health packages.  (Have you seen how huge those cups of HFCS-colored acid water are getting to be???)

My Slow Food Vehicle

So, I needed to come up with a system.  I woke up the next morning with a picture of a fridge full of home-cooked food that could be thrown down the gullets of the athletes as they run out the front door.  Brilliant!

Step 1: Get the bins

Find two two-quart containers and two four-quart containers.  I bought Rubbermaid BPA-free containers at Kroger because I knew if I waited until I went to a kitchen store or Target or ordered them online, I would lose my momentum.  Rubbermaid also makes glass ones with lids, and Pyrex makes some glass containers with lids. My bins are square and stack really well.  Create space inside your fridge for these containers to be stacked at all times. You’ll also need a place to store bread and muffins outside the fridge. An area in the fridge where you keep packages of tortillas is also a good idea.

Step 2: Fill the bins

In the beginning, you’ll need to devote a half-day or so to filling up the containers mainly because the first time you do it, you’ll think it will take way longer than it actually takes. You can either fill up all the containers every weekend, or fill each one as it is emptied.  For example, if you run out of rice on Wednesday, just cook a batch of rice and refill it on Wednesday night or Thursday morning.  Whenever any container gets close to running out, figure out what you’ll cook to fill it up again, and the time you will be able to do so.

Container 1 (four-quart): Grain or legume (lentils, people)

Container 2 (two-quart):  Meat or beans
Container 3 (two-quart): Cooked veggies
Container 4 (four-quart): Salad greens 
Breadbox: bread, muffins, and/or rolls

Some examples

Grains and/or Legumes:  Rice, cous cous, quinoa, barley, pasta; lentils, split peas, yellow peas (mix two for variety and complementary proteins)

Sometimes, I add some peas or other veggie to this so the kids who don’t tend to eat a variety of veggies get some by default.  The trick is not to overwhelm the grain with too much of the veggie.

Meat or beans:  Roast a chicken or other meat and slice, cut into small pieces, or shred OR Soak beans overnight, then cook and season to taste. Other options: hard-boiled eggs, nuts, and cheese.

Cooked veggies:  Pick the ones that are in season, cut them up, and steam or roast them with simple seasonings. 

Salad greens:  Pick out the ones that look good, wash, spin, and tear into small pieces.  Store with a paper towel to absorb extra water.  Sometimes I just cut up a bunch of carrots and celery for this bin.  Store in water; drain to serve, fill up again to store.

Bread:  Buy yummy bread from the local bakery, and/or make muffins or rolls. Also have tortillas on hand because if the kid needs to grab food and go, wrapping it up in a tortilla will save on messes in the car and prevents the sad loss of dishes and silverware.  New Day Bakery makes our family go around the table "I'm grateful for..." list on a regular basis.  I don't know about you, but for me, one of the best things in life is Good Bread. I don't get to bake bread often with my work and soccer mom schedule, so I spend good money on good bread.

Additions:  kids can add grated cheese, sour cream, or condiments, as desired. 

Step 3: Kid Training

Show the kids the containers and tell them about how the containers will be filled with food and kept in the fridge.  Tell them that each container will be filled soon after it is emptied and washed. To make a meal, a person should pick the kind of bread they want and at least three of the other items.  Show them what one-third to one-half cup looks like, and tell them to put about that much of each chosen item on their roll or in their bowl.  No fair taking two cups of rice, one chunk of chicken and a lettuce leaf!  Also, condiments are not to be piled on to make the taste of the food disappear!  A dollop of sour cream, not a half cup!  A sprinkling of cheese, not two handfuls.  Watch kids the first few times, and help them understand that a variety of foods is how they will get all the nutrients they need.  Teach them about “complete proteins.”

Also, put a calendar menu on the fridge.  Decide which nights will be “get your own” and which nights will be sit-down together meals. Be sure to have kids check the menu before they get their own meal. It might help to have a reference page posted above the counter where people will make their meals.

Have containers on hand for packing grab-n-go meals.  The plastic ones from some Chinese restaurants are a good size, sturdy, easy to eat from, and can be reused many times. By the way, don't use plastic in the microwave!  I store containers with the lids on, even though it takes up more room, because it saves precious time when we are in the grab stage of grab-n-go. In the car(s), be sure to have a roll of paper towels, some wet wipes, and a garbage bag.  In the kitchen, you could have pre-packed meal bags that contain a spoon and fork, a cloth napkin, and a mint.  The kid makes dinner in the plastic container, grabs one of the bags, and goes.  When done eating, just place the container in the bag and bring it all in the house when you get home.  There could be a small laundry basket in the kitchen so the bag gets unpacked right away – rinse and stack dishes and silverware, put cloth stuff in the laundry basket.  You could make fabric bags for this.  In your dreams. No, really, you could.  My kids just throw their food in the front pocket of their soccer bags.

Also, each person should have a BPA-free water bottle to fill and take everywhere.  Camelbak makes a sturdy one in different sizes and colors.  Each person can have a different color so everyone can keep track of their own source of water.  Kids going to athletic events will probably need more water than fits in one water bottle, so having big water container in the car for refills or having extra water bottles is a good idea.

And, remember; always have a book with you.  Everywhere you go.  Because you never know when mom will decide to sit and read in the car while the rain comes down on the soccer field instead of driving all the home and back again and you have to wait for your brother and sister sitting in the boring car. Hmph.

Step 4: Gratitude

The beauty of this system for me is that I can cook when I feel like cooking.  Yes, there are times I actually want to cook.  They are generally NOT at 4:30 pm after rushing home from work to hurry and get in the car to go to drop off H and A at LP fields, take R to get new cleats, pick up J from practice, pick up H and A from soccer practice and go home to get kids in the shower and to bed. I can cook after the kids go to bed, I can cook at six in the morning while I sip my coffee.  I can cook when it is time to clean out the fridge.  And my kids are still getting to eat healthy, home-cooked, good food.  Nothing makes me feel like a failure as a mom more often watching my kids scarf down crappy, chemical-laden, processed, automated food that came through the window of my car.  This is my personal version of the Slow Food Movement, thank you very much. 

The system in practice

I didn’t plan to cook this morning, but this is what I did when I woke up at six.  Tomorrow night is three-kids-at-soccer-and-one-kid-at-volleyball night.  Two bins were empty and in the dish drainer.  (See, this is a visible signal to me that cooking needs to happen.)  My partner is away, the kids have no school, and we are going away this weekend so the fridge needed to be cleaned out.  

First, I put on the rice. Six cups of water and three cups of rice cook up to fill a four-quart bin very nicely.  You might make your coffee first, but for some reason, I had the presence of mind to start the rice, then make the coffee.  Someday, I'll follow my partner around the kitchen and tell you how to make the perfect cup of coffee.  Today, I fended for myself.

Then I snapped the beans and put them in the steamer. 

I wanted to put some protein in a bin, but I forgot about soaking the beans last night. Since I'm going away this weekend, I don't want to get into the beans or meat work.  (Flexiblity is one key to happiness!)   I found some split peas in the pantry. I can hide some of those little green lovelies in the rice.  Well, not hide exactly, but mix in a way that prevents the children from avoiding them completely.  Mwaa haaa haaaa...  I was going to just throw them in with rice, but figured I should read the instructions first.  I had to put my glasses on... okay... I'm fifty... whatever.  Found out I needed eight cups of water for two cups of peas, so it's a good thing I didn't just throw them in with the rice.  That is them on the back left burner... cooking up in all their evil greenness. This, my friends, is cooking by the seat of my pants. 

Next, I sipped coffee and relished the quiet house. Then I chopped up lots of onions and about the same amount of squash.  My Ethiopian kids LOVE onions.  Threw in some salt, pepper, and chili pepper.  Oh yeah, garlic, too.  Lots of garlic. Helen is going to squeal with delight when she wakes up smelling these onions.

The other two bins already had some raw veggies, so I got them out for the photo op.  I had to put the green beans in one of my handy Pyrex dishes.  I could have chopped them up and added them to the rice or the onions and squash, but I use the grab-n-go for my lunches at work. I love plain green beans.  A mom needs to take care of herself, too.

See how nicely they fit in the fridge? 

This is a lesson in abundance.  It helps heal my Ethiopian kids' food-power issues from living in a children's home for five years and not having any choices around food at all. And mine, too.  My mom had a lot of rules around food, because her mom did.  Cycle of food stress.  I'm trying to break it.  This four-bin food system is one of my tools.  It works well for now. 

My boys are cooking up some breakfast and they just made me a second cup of coffee.  Life is Good.

Day six: a photo of someone you love

Someone I love: God in us.
God as in God=Love, God=Peace, God=Joy
The One
The Divine in Each One of Us
That drive for justice that rises up from deep in the core of each of us.
That place in each of our souls that creates
music out of suffering,
art out of hunger,
dance out of nothing,
song out of Hope.

I have been wondering what discipline to practice for Lent. I have a long list of changes I'd like to make. More walking, less junk food, more meditation, less complaining, more breathing. But nothing felt like the commitment I need to make right now. None of my wishes for a better me would have any real effect on the world except that a better me makes a better world in a tiny way.

Someone sent me a link to Stand by Me this morning, recorded by Playing for Change Foundation. I had seen it before. It is my favorite version of that song. This foundation uses the universal language of music and great recording technology to bring people together and to create positive change in the world. So, I decided that each day of Lent this year, I will be giving up something I would spend money on that day, and collecting that money in an envelope to send to this Foundation. Today, it will be the latte that I usually bring back to work when I go out to lunch.

So, today's picture is this video. I love all these people. Especially the dancing children, the little girl in the pink dress, and the little one with hands folded in prayer. I love Tamika in NYC whose voice is the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. And I love the talented hands and ears and hearts behind the scenes, collecting all this video, and splicing it together in layers to make such a beautiful collaborative piece of magical song as if it is the richest treasure in all the earth.



You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

...

Comfort

Woke up this morning - it's a new day. This video given to me yesterday via facebook (thanks, Alison!) had fermented in my brain along with all the great fish oils from the sushi we ate yesterday and helped shape my overnight thoughts. Not to mention the french fry grease. And the lack of sleep. (But that's another post.)



Tenderest video I have ever seen. Whenever I am finding it hard to like human beings, I am going to watch this.

Anyway. Back to my brain.

It's time for me to stop turning so often to food for comfort and celebration and escape. Past time. So, what to turn to instead? Words. I love words. I adore words. I relish the practice of putting words together to create whole thoughts and big questions. I also love putting them into song... and when I get a good little song, I record it on whatever voice recording device I can find before I lost it.

I have in my head and heart several books and collections of poems and songs. I actually have a couple of self-published chapbooks, and one has an accompanying cd. They are collecting dust. I want to share... I want to encourage and lift up and help people hope. But I have not been able to carry forward my intention to create books and cds no matter how hard I have tried to do so in the last few years. I have written a lot... on yahoogroups, in emails, some here, and on scraps of paper. But I have not shared much beyond that for lack of time to organize and pull things together and get them close to perfect. I am going to forgive myself for that. After all, I do have a full-time job and six kids.

I am going to go easy on myself, by establishing a practice of writing here once a day. It might only be a sentence, it might be a picture, or a snippet of the song I got in the shower. But it will be something. I'm putting it out there for anyone who needs or wants it. When I'm really hungry, you might get a lot of words. Because, friends, this is where I am going to turn for comfort rather than stuffing my face with french fries covered in gravy, mozzarella cheese, and bacon bits. Seriously.

I think a good way to get me started is to do this series of photos I have seen friends do on facebook. I'll do Day One shortly. Here's the list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day one: a photo of you.
Day two: a photo of yourself at least a year ago.
Day three: a photo that makes you happy.
Day four: a photo of a place you'd like to visit.
Day five: a photo that makes you laugh.
Day six: a photo of someone you love.
Day seven: a photo of something you stand for.
Day eight: a photo of something you enjoy doing.
Day nine: a photo of yourself when you were a baby.
Day ten: any photo you like for any reason.
Day eleven: a photo of a night you loved.
Day twelve: a photo of when you were happy.
Day thirteen: a photo of one of your favorite movies.
Day fourteen: a photo of your best friend (s).
Day fifteen: a photo of you and a family member.
Day sixteen: a photo from your childhood.
Day seventeen: a photo from a trip you'll never forget.
Day eighteen: a photo of your town.
Day nineteen: a photo of your favorite thing from school.
Day twenty: a photo of something you ate today.
Day twenty-one: a photo of somebody you find attractive.
Day twenty-two: a photo that you associate a good memory with.
Day twenty-three: a photo of something you want to do someday.
Day twenty-four: a photo of what you want to be when you grow up.
Day twenty-five: a photo that inspires you.
Day twenty-six: a photo of your favorite subject in school.
Day twenty-seven: a photo of something you are looking forward to.
Day twenty-eight: a photo of something/somebody that made your day.
Day twenty-nine: a photo of your favorite person from history.
Day thirty: a photo you find beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope you'll find something in my words and songs that will lift you up.

Not Feeling It Anymore

We all know that money, don't buy you love
You just get a job and somewhere to live
You have to look for happiness, within yourself
And don't go chasin' thinkin' that it is somewhere else
-Van Morrison


Here's what I'm not feeling anymore:
my job
spending my life energy
supporting Coal
the burning of coal
the mining of coal
sure, we fund research that finds ways
to burn it cleaner
but seriously

I would GLADLY give up
half of the electricity I use
RIGHT NOW
in exchange for
the END of COAL Mining and COAL Burning

I would LOVE to need to light the candles
as the sun goes down
tell stories, make our own music,
or hey, Go To Bed
I would LOVE to be forced
to hang clothes and sheets and towels
out in the open air to dry
To Do with Less
to make soup on the wood stove
(of course, this would require that we have a wood stove we can cook on)
to be forced to repair that antique treadle sewing machine
in order to make coal-free clothes

I would love to do all of this
knowing
no more mountains were being destroyed
no more miners were being killed
no more lungs were suffering
for the energy that goes into my industry

But as long as I am expected
to Keep Up the Pace
I can't find enough time in each day
to do these things by choice

So... today... upon discovering this Van Morrison song
on a cd that I ordered
mistakenly
(I wanted disc two and accidently ordered disc 1)
playing it on my coal-fired stereo
while my coal-fired lights were burning
drinking my coal-fired coffee
I realized that I need to make the life I want
(yes, again)

here I am:
I will write the books that are waiting to be born
I will create the cool community science center

It will take me a few years
maybe ten
(not 200)
but I will leave coal behind

Laird is going to build us an off the grid house
it will have a tiny tiny house surrounded by trees
where I will write
encouraging words
and create events to help people
be scientifically literate
because that is what I do

and I swear
I will
make dresses
on that treadle machine

copyright Barbara L. Walker
Morgantown WV October 2010

Our Energy Plan: Just Add Umph

Here is a list of our family's efforts to use less of the fossil fuel(s): (1) We are still without a dryer since it broke three or so months ago... the "solar dryer" (aka clothesline) is working fine even with six people in our house. I usually wash one load in the evening, hang it out in the morning, take it down in the evening. (2) We try to ride our bikes when we go downtown, especially if it's just for fun. (3) Eating more local food. We go to market (on bikes if we can swing it) and get as much as we can from local farmers. We get eggs, tomatoes, greens, mushrooms, trout, and goat cheese. (4) Laird is driving a funkydoodle eco-modded 1998 Suzuki Metro and getting 48 miles to the gallon. This is when he doesn't need his truck, which gets about 16 mpg. Our family van gets about 25 mpg. (5) Laird is telecommuting. I telecommuted today after running around in my van doing errands.... one of which was recycling!!! (6) Recycling saves energy and so does composting. Laird made a compost bin for me out of a big blue barrel he found at the Port Authority and about $25 worth of supplies. The going rate on the kind of bin he made is $150 plus shipping. The fact that we didn't have to have it shipped here saved energy, too. It's amazing how much less garbage we make because we are throwing all our food waste into a bin. That saves the energy it takes to truck that garbage to a landfill and to maintain the landfill. (7) I yell at Laird whenever he doesn't take the reusable bags along to the grocery store. Not really, but I do remind him that we have the technology to keep petro-plastic out of our house and out of the landfill. (8) We retro-fitted the house for night-time whole house ventilation in place of air conditioning. We also insulated our attic to save lots of energy. (9) Instead of moving to a bigger house, we stayed here in our little bungalow. Mostly, that was a financial decision, but part of it was the amount of energy it would take to heat a big house. The hardest part of staying in our house is having such a tiny kitchen, so we plan to expand it, and when we do, we'll get get the most energy efficient appliances for it. (10) Laird installed a high efficiency wood stove insert into our fireplace. This allows us to use wood we find lying around on roadsides and buy from folks who are harvesting dead wood from the forest to heat the house and save on fossil fuels. It also allows us to heat the house when the electricity goes out... which may be happening more often in the future as the grid gets more and more congested. (11) We switched to CFLs long ago. I was blessed with a dad who habitually turned off everything not in use, so this is another thing I keep reminding people in our house... turn off the lights! (12) We hand wash our dishes, though I'm not sure this actually saves energy or water. Anybody have any conclusive evidence either way? We need to know before we expand the kitchen. The others in this house are lobbying hard for a dishwasher, and I just can't wrap my mind around having a noisy machine doing work that is just not that hard. (13) And horrors, we only have one TV, and it is not HUGE. (14) We haven't mowed our yard yet this summer. Well, maybe once. I can't remember. We are slowly replacing grass with plants like berry bushes and fruit trees. And the dog yard is actually more pleasant with the weed jungle.



As you can see, my Home Energy Plan truly depends on my incredible husband, who knows how to build and fix EVERYthing. (Plus, he adores me, and that saves LOTS of energy.) Thing is, it took no small amount of money to do some of these things. And it does take our own time and energy to do all of these things that decrease our family's dependence on fossil fuels and dirty power plants and drill baby drill. Living in a small house forces us to "live with people" more than living in a big house. The flip side of that is it forces us to live with people!!! Yes, we actually need to solve more conflicts and use our words and share and tolerate more than if we had a big house. But, that leads to real closeness, and some really great skills for our growing kids. The thing about drying our clothes on the line... it takes time and extra planning to depend on the sun. The flip side of that is 15 minutes of time outside in the morning hearing the birds sing. It takes a little extra umph to get on the bike rather than hop in the car. The flip side of that is Fun and Moving the Body and less time sitting in the machine in traffic.

What it takes to conserve energy in my personal life: commitment to all the little steps. That's all.

Our next energy saving goal is: a Vespa for me to ride to work!!!! No, not really. But yes, electric transportation... scooter and car. That's our biggest use of energy, so why not have it be coal-powered instead of petroleum-powered??? Seriously, it is still a smaller carbon footprint. And cheaper. Sometimes I forget how much we do to conserve energy, and the main reason I forget is because I spend SO MUCH TIME sitting in the big machine in traffic, thinking of the exhaust and the drilling that happens just because I am in that machine. It's gotta be the biggest part of our energy and waste footprints. But making changes there is hampered by this town's (and this nation's) energy and transportation infrastructure. Which leads me to looking at what I can do about THAT.

I did call my Senators about Clean Energy and asked them to cap carbon emissions. I need to do more of this communicating with our leaders. It occurred to me the other night after watching Jon Stewart show the video clips of the last eight presidents all saying the same old thing about clean energy future... how depressing was that?!... anyway it occurred to me that what we need is for the American PEOPLE to change our ways. There is no way one person (the President), or even 595 people, can make the changes necessary. It is up to all of us. So, what's YOUR FAMILY'S PLAN for a clean energy future? What's your next step to using less? What's your next step to inspiring and empowering others to use less?

Image from Union of Concerned Scientists.

we interrupt this poem to bring you this important message

mile 4

breaking trail
through three feet of powder
after hours of driving
snow drifted roads
including helping out an oil-thirsty Volvo

we skied one mile

of course, we could have driven a mere 15 minutes
to ski for three hours at the amazingly snowy Cooper's Rock
but by golly we had planned for a day at Whitegrass
with dear friends up from North Carolina
and we were going to get our full van there

until the roads closed
the ski resorts closed
and the National Guard was called in

change of plans change of plans
now we have some new friends
and huge smiles

yes, the thirsty Volvo had an Obama sticker
another that said War leaves all children behind
inside were two engaging people
crazy as we are to go climb a mountain in the blizzard
new friends
laugh and be amazed
as we left their cabin in the woods
the children said "we will miss you!"

worth the drive
I say
worth the drive

mile 2 and mile 3

mile 2

I walk away from work on the trail
beyond the place where the snow plow stopped
fenced in on government property
with lots of trees
just up the hill from the river
across which is the mouth of a coal mine
oh industry

it's not quiet
but I am still

animal tracks in the snow
to and from
my commitment to comfortable shoes
pays off

for the first time in months
it seems
I feel the pound of my heart
in my head

I don't want to go back


mile 3

meetings going too long
missed a walk with Fran
then later missed another
in the hopes of getting one item
off my desk
so I can send the request
for permission to take a day
to use my earned leave time
spend a day
having fun

a truck blocking the way to the gym
the kids insisted
it's not far! let's walk!
in the snow, falling on the ice
we laugh, we slide our way
together

poem in progress

40 miles for Lent

g-d said
don’t give up
anything for me
girl, you need to give in
give in to you
give to you
I want you to walk
40 miles not for me
for you
walk 40 miles for you
remember who you are


mile 1

almost a week after Ash Wednesday
I am a slug
for five days I have been intending
pretending
excusing myself from myself
justifying my sluggy ways
with the noblest of justifications
work children sleep food

true, I have been eating less
I have been refusing seconds
I have thought briefly about ending
my torrid love affair with white sugar
revised the brief thought
consider simply reducing white sugar
to a bit part
knowing chocolate is mostly sugar
knowing my daily coffees are mostly about sugar
knowing my sugar love affair is really an
addiction
that gets me through my perform!do!give!do! day
after day after day

today, I walked a mile with Fran
I would not have gone if not for her
love for motion and acceptance of slugs
a break at work
on a trail half plowed
three quarters into it
I finally saw the trees
the bluebirds

took a deep breath

it is February not yet Spring
still
I begin




copyright Barbara L. Walker 2010

The Power of Unity

And the power of intention.

On Monday, the team I am leading is going to start doing the work for which I hired them. I had to pull together all kinds of papers and supplies and approvals and agreements from government and contract people who are all up to their ears in end-of contract transition to make this happen. I love that my manager trusted me to do this. I love that having a positive attitude has been rewarded by positive get-it-done attitudes in the people working with me. I love that this project is restoring my faith in humans to be mostly helpful and agreeable.

I love this video. I don't care what you think of Oprah (I admire her). This is a powerful demonstration of the energy a group of people can create just by wanting to create something beautiful together. Sometimes I feel like the woman dancing alone being looked at like I'm crazy... when I dance, when I sing the national anthem at games, when I cheer, when I clap and dance at parades. People ask if I am drunk, they seem to think my happiness and excitement is annoying or even bad. What would happen if they let go of their inhibitions and let out their inner kid and just joined in? Maybe something like this...

Unfortunately, adoptive parents cannot resort to Pitocin

Can I just say that this week is C.R.A.W.L.I.N.G? Never have I awakened so many times in one week thinking it is Thursday. No, maybe it is the day before Thursday. Seriously, at this moment, I don't even know for sure that it is Wednesday today because I have so wanted it to be Thursday. Even when I was a know-it-all third-grader one day insisting it was Thursday when it was really Wednesday and no-one could convince me otherwise, not my teacher and not even my mom... even that was only one day of that one week. Not four days waking up knowing it is Thursday. Crawling, I tell you.

I can't write here about all the reasons I might choose to worry about my court date not working out the way I want it tomorrow (in Ethiopia, that is tonight). I can tell you I have done everything in my power to have things prepared and ready and complete. I think maybe everything will be in place, and the judge will say Yes, and declare Laird and I parents of these three kids we already love in an unbelieveable way. But I also think maybe the judge will want something more, and say: here, have another court date two months from now, they're delicious. (argh) My question is how does one visualize success while simultaneously bracing for a longer wait?

It turns out this is something that is not in my hands.

So... I figured out this is my labor experience. I thought maybe it would be the big exhausting 24-hour trip over there, but now I think this is it. It is like a very long labor, the due date for which has changed many times, after a 16-month-and-counting pregnancy.

Art by Mara Friedman


I've done labor before. I've done "I have no idea if this if for real" labor. I've done three weeks of Braxton-Hicks contractions wondering if this is it labor. I've done totally prepared everything in place home birth with medical back-up friends on call totally ready for labor waiting. I've been through the mountain and valley marathon experience that is called labor and birth. Three times. I know what this is. This is where I have to hand my life over, and trust the people around me to take care of me during one of the most significant events of my life.

In my personal I Can Do It, Just Do It, Gotta Do It world, this is one of those moments when I have to NOT do it.

Just. Hand. It. Over.

Sure, I've got some power over my attitude and my viewpoint. But really, I am pretty helpless. This is just one of those wonderful growth opportunities in which I have virtually no power (at this point) to affect a very important event in my life. I did my research, I carefully picked my care provider (my awesome agency), and I got everything together to be ready to "birth" these babies. And now, I have to hand myself over to my caregivers and the universe. This is labor. I can't control how fast it happens, or how much pain I experience, or whether there will be complications, or how those complications are handled. I can only breathe, and know that this family will be born.

It's especially hard because there is nothing physical about it. My body is not tuned by millions of years of evolution to totally take over during this momentous event and completely get my attention in a way that makes me Let Go. This is Adoption! It's all Inside, down at the core, there is nothing physical about it right now, except that my eyes can look at this picture of these kids who want nothing more than they want to be part of a family who will take care of them and protect them and love them like the very special people they are.

So, I am taking notes. I know the energy it is taking right now to trust that everyone who has anything to do with this thing that is SO important to me and my husband and my kids is doing a good job. I know how much faith and hope it is taking me to believe that people are working in my children's best interest. It is an exhausting task trusting people I barely know. I need to remember this when my kids are home and working hard to build trust in their new parents. They are waiting now, not having any control or knowledge about when they will come here. They are looking at a picture of us with all kinds of hope in their hearts. They probably have no conscious idea of how they will be using a lot of energy putting their trust in us for the first months to years of their life with us.

Anyone know where I can plug in my trust-and-optimism energy pack for re-fueling? Let's see, what did I do when I was in labor? Oh yeah, I need to hold my sisters' hands. I need to look into my husband's eyes. I need to moan from the deepest part of me, and know I am loved, and know I Can Do This.

Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers--strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.
Barbara Katz Rothman

I parent teens. What's your superpower?

This is an entry for me to read whenever I feel frustrated with my very important job as a parent to teens... Encouragement.

Keep on showing and telling your love and affection, in whatever way you can. Teens need to know they are loved, and they need to have strong, clear boundaries set and enforced for them. They need your love, they need back-rubs and hugs (when they let you near them). They really need you. Every cell in their bodies is saying "I WILL be my own person" and it is terrifying. It is especially terrifying to a young person who doesn't really know what they want to do as a career, for young people who don't feel smart and confident, for young people who have been traumatized at some point in their lives (most people, eh?), and for young people who struggle with one or more academic areas (since that is highly valued in our "but you have to go to college" culture). They know they have to leave home at some point (because they naturally can't stand these people!) but they are starting to realize just how much it is going to cost (money and energy and thought) to actually take care of themselves. It's relentless, adult life, but at some point, a teen just knows they Can Not Stay in the nest.

One of my son's teachers who worked with teens on the edge for years told me that a teen's job is to make you hate them enough to eventually push them out of the nest. Don't take it personally. It is his/her job, developmentally speaking, to make you hold him/her responsible for creating a Life. At this point, it is your job to require him/her to be responsible and earn his/her keep and to keep him/herself alive and safe and real. But love, your love is not earned. Your love is a fact of his life and he can't do anything about it. Your love is a fact of her life and she can't do anything about it.

Any hurt or resentment you feel toward your teen is a message from your heart that you have unhealed hurts to which you need to attend. Find the ways you as a teen were let down, confused, frustrated, terrified at the hands of parents or teachers or other adults who probably just didn't realize what you needed from them. Learn how to express everything you need to express without hurling hurtful words (or rolling your eyes or making a fist) in the direction of a human heart.

Take care of yourself.

Teens are the wonderful coming peers and leaders in our world. Teens are great examples of high energy, having fun, feeling everything. Teens are fabulous examples of just hanging out, sleeping in, enjoying food, laughing out loud, dancing crazy. Teens are good at letting their anger out instead of pushing it down to smolder for years. Teens are passionate about what they believe. Except when they are, like, whatever. Which can also be a very good place to be.

Be the adult. Be the one who believes. Be the one who respects no matter what. Be the one who holds on to hope, so that when your teen can't, they can at least know it isn't just slipping away.

Stand your ground and shout I love you!