My new theory: the natural conservation of Fine

Note: I created a song on the way home from dropping Jordan at school, then I got in the shower and this stream was unleashed. I'm too shy to share the raw song, so you get this. Hot off the brainwaves, people.

Let’s say that about 50 percent of my life is Fine, and about 50 percent of it is Not So Fine.  Because I grew up in this American culture built on a strange combination of struggle, violence, rightesouness, arrogance, and optimism, I tend to present myself as a person who is Fine.  “Everything’s fine.”  Yep, things are A-OK.  Then there are those times when I can’t hold on to that front, and I rant.  Everything is shit.  Life sucks.  My life is hell.  You get the picture.

What if the reality is that 50 percent of the time I’m doing okay, making good choices, and my circumstances are Fine, and the other 50 percent of the time I’m making mistakes, and there are circumstances beyond my control that are just Not Fine?  What if I don’t recognize that and instead try to keep up the appearance that Everything is Fine?  We call this Denial, which happens with both the Fine and the Not Fine. What I end up doing is waffling between the belief that everything is fine and the belief that everything is Not Fine.  And by waffling I mean wallowing, baby.  If there is one things we know how to do in this culture, it is wallowing.

What if I walked around knowing and acknowledging and admitting that about half the time, things are Fine, and half the time things are Not Fine.  (Okay, at any given point in a person’s life, it could well be that it is not an even half and half split, but on average, let’s just assume, that a person is given a life during which half the time circumstances and choices made are fine.)  If I don’t walk around thinking that everything SHOULD be Fine all the time, then I can actually see and admit when I make mistakes, and I can talk about that and try to make amends for it.  If I admit that things are Not Fine half the time, then I am also free to see how things ARE fine half the time.  And man, what if half the time things really are Fine?  Can I believe that?  Because when I get into the habit of hiding the Not Fine in my Everything’s Fine front, I might not trust when things really are Fine.  If I have to deny when things are Not Fine, then I also have to deny when things are Fine.  I might even start constantly looking for evidence that things are Never Fine… and when I look for evidence, I sure can find it, and then it starts looking as if things really are Not Fine.  All the time.

What if I could walk around my life knowing that things are Fine half the time?  Then, I would really be able to enjoy the Fine things.  AND, when things are Not Fine, I could remember that it is only going to be for half the time. This Not Fine time is temporary.  That makes Not Fine so much easier to handle.  If I am free to see the Not Fine as temporary, instead of a reason to Struggle, then I can operate from a place of not fearing it.  If I am not afraid of it, my brain is free to actually think about it rationally and maybe even solve it, or fix it, or deal with it, or let it be.  And that makes Not Fine not so Not Fine.  Right?  So, even though I am still in a life that is 50 percent Not Fine, and I am still making mistakes about 50 percent of the time I have any power to choose,  it just doesn’t feel as Not Fine… because I am not letting it feel like it is 90 or 100 percent Not Fine. 

So what if my life is really 60 percent Not Fine, and the person next to me happened to be luckier than me and got a 40 percent Not Fine life?  So What?  If I am rational about it, I will be fine.  If I spend all my life trying to hide or run away from the Not Fine, then no matter how little of my life is actually Not Fine… it will still feel like a large percentage of my life is Not Fine.  If I am rational about it, and embrace the reality that my life is 40 percent FINE…. Well, isn’t that a beautiful thing? 

Now, apply this to the big picture.  Let’s say, this nation.  On the one hand, we have the whole denial thing going on: everything is Fine… (chant with me) we’re number 1 we’re number 1…  And we have the whole Everything Is Crap thing going on.  We are so busy arguing over these two positions, in very passionate (read: emotional, irrational, diametric you’re wrong I’m right) ways, that we, as a group, don’t seem to be able to devote our  formidable Collective Brain Power to the actual work of making things better, of solving the problems.  If you can’t see or admit the difference between what is working and what is not working, you can’t begin to solve problems.  If you think everything is Fine, you can’t even see the Not Fine to work on it.  And if you can’t see the Fine, well, you are going to either be overwhelmed (and not able to fix anything), or you are going to start trying to fix things that aren’t broken.  And all the while, we (collective) are putting up this front… Everything is Fine… we’re number 1 we’re number 1!!!!  

Here’s the thing.  If I can admit that I make mistakes about half the time I have some kind of power, then I can admit that I could easily be wrong at any point in my life.  If I can admit that I could be wrong, then I can admit that my enemy could be right.  Then, my enemy ceases to be my enemy.  The I’m right, you’r wrong can become “Let’s see.”  We become We. All that energy that goes into fighting over who is right about what is Fine and what is Not Fine is freed to be put into actual Problem Solving.

So, my theory breaks down when I start talking about fixing things.  Because if we can fix things that are truly Not Fine, that means the 50/50 split between Fine and Not Fine might actually change.  It might tip towards a 60/40 split… as in, things will get better.  Wait… you mean if we admit the reality of there being things that are Fine and thing that are Not Fine, we might actually have the power to make things better?!??!!!

Day four: a photo of a place you'd like to visit

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Not because I wanted to step on the moon, but because I wanted to see earth from out there.

But now, that trip breaks my Rule of Reasonable Carbon Footprint for Sustainable Travel. I really think we should invest our money and fuel and intelligence on reducing our use of limited resources, and teaching people how to live responsibly and sustainably.

So, when I go here:



I would like to be there for at least four weeks to really experience this place, the land of many of my ancestors. I don't want to spend all that jet fuel on the experience of running from here to there to there trying to pack each day with all the sights you just can't miss when you go to Ireland. I want to Be There. I want to know the place and the people, and to do something that honors the green, poetic, dancing, singing parts of my soul that were somehow knit into my DNA long, long ago.

Not Feeling It Anymore

We all know that money, don't buy you love
You just get a job and somewhere to live
You have to look for happiness, within yourself
And don't go chasin' thinkin' that it is somewhere else
-Van Morrison


Here's what I'm not feeling anymore:
my job
spending my life energy
supporting Coal
the burning of coal
the mining of coal
sure, we fund research that finds ways
to burn it cleaner
but seriously

I would GLADLY give up
half of the electricity I use
RIGHT NOW
in exchange for
the END of COAL Mining and COAL Burning

I would LOVE to need to light the candles
as the sun goes down
tell stories, make our own music,
or hey, Go To Bed
I would LOVE to be forced
to hang clothes and sheets and towels
out in the open air to dry
To Do with Less
to make soup on the wood stove
(of course, this would require that we have a wood stove we can cook on)
to be forced to repair that antique treadle sewing machine
in order to make coal-free clothes

I would love to do all of this
knowing
no more mountains were being destroyed
no more miners were being killed
no more lungs were suffering
for the energy that goes into my industry

But as long as I am expected
to Keep Up the Pace
I can't find enough time in each day
to do these things by choice

So... today... upon discovering this Van Morrison song
on a cd that I ordered
mistakenly
(I wanted disc two and accidently ordered disc 1)
playing it on my coal-fired stereo
while my coal-fired lights were burning
drinking my coal-fired coffee
I realized that I need to make the life I want
(yes, again)

here I am:
I will write the books that are waiting to be born
I will create the cool community science center

It will take me a few years
maybe ten
(not 200)
but I will leave coal behind

Laird is going to build us an off the grid house
it will have a tiny tiny house surrounded by trees
where I will write
encouraging words
and create events to help people
be scientifically literate
because that is what I do

and I swear
I will
make dresses
on that treadle machine

copyright Barbara L. Walker
Morgantown WV October 2010

Our Energy Plan: Just Add Umph

Here is a list of our family's efforts to use less of the fossil fuel(s): (1) We are still without a dryer since it broke three or so months ago... the "solar dryer" (aka clothesline) is working fine even with six people in our house. I usually wash one load in the evening, hang it out in the morning, take it down in the evening. (2) We try to ride our bikes when we go downtown, especially if it's just for fun. (3) Eating more local food. We go to market (on bikes if we can swing it) and get as much as we can from local farmers. We get eggs, tomatoes, greens, mushrooms, trout, and goat cheese. (4) Laird is driving a funkydoodle eco-modded 1998 Suzuki Metro and getting 48 miles to the gallon. This is when he doesn't need his truck, which gets about 16 mpg. Our family van gets about 25 mpg. (5) Laird is telecommuting. I telecommuted today after running around in my van doing errands.... one of which was recycling!!! (6) Recycling saves energy and so does composting. Laird made a compost bin for me out of a big blue barrel he found at the Port Authority and about $25 worth of supplies. The going rate on the kind of bin he made is $150 plus shipping. The fact that we didn't have to have it shipped here saved energy, too. It's amazing how much less garbage we make because we are throwing all our food waste into a bin. That saves the energy it takes to truck that garbage to a landfill and to maintain the landfill. (7) I yell at Laird whenever he doesn't take the reusable bags along to the grocery store. Not really, but I do remind him that we have the technology to keep petro-plastic out of our house and out of the landfill. (8) We retro-fitted the house for night-time whole house ventilation in place of air conditioning. We also insulated our attic to save lots of energy. (9) Instead of moving to a bigger house, we stayed here in our little bungalow. Mostly, that was a financial decision, but part of it was the amount of energy it would take to heat a big house. The hardest part of staying in our house is having such a tiny kitchen, so we plan to expand it, and when we do, we'll get get the most energy efficient appliances for it. (10) Laird installed a high efficiency wood stove insert into our fireplace. This allows us to use wood we find lying around on roadsides and buy from folks who are harvesting dead wood from the forest to heat the house and save on fossil fuels. It also allows us to heat the house when the electricity goes out... which may be happening more often in the future as the grid gets more and more congested. (11) We switched to CFLs long ago. I was blessed with a dad who habitually turned off everything not in use, so this is another thing I keep reminding people in our house... turn off the lights! (12) We hand wash our dishes, though I'm not sure this actually saves energy or water. Anybody have any conclusive evidence either way? We need to know before we expand the kitchen. The others in this house are lobbying hard for a dishwasher, and I just can't wrap my mind around having a noisy machine doing work that is just not that hard. (13) And horrors, we only have one TV, and it is not HUGE. (14) We haven't mowed our yard yet this summer. Well, maybe once. I can't remember. We are slowly replacing grass with plants like berry bushes and fruit trees. And the dog yard is actually more pleasant with the weed jungle.



As you can see, my Home Energy Plan truly depends on my incredible husband, who knows how to build and fix EVERYthing. (Plus, he adores me, and that saves LOTS of energy.) Thing is, it took no small amount of money to do some of these things. And it does take our own time and energy to do all of these things that decrease our family's dependence on fossil fuels and dirty power plants and drill baby drill. Living in a small house forces us to "live with people" more than living in a big house. The flip side of that is it forces us to live with people!!! Yes, we actually need to solve more conflicts and use our words and share and tolerate more than if we had a big house. But, that leads to real closeness, and some really great skills for our growing kids. The thing about drying our clothes on the line... it takes time and extra planning to depend on the sun. The flip side of that is 15 minutes of time outside in the morning hearing the birds sing. It takes a little extra umph to get on the bike rather than hop in the car. The flip side of that is Fun and Moving the Body and less time sitting in the machine in traffic.

What it takes to conserve energy in my personal life: commitment to all the little steps. That's all.

Our next energy saving goal is: a Vespa for me to ride to work!!!! No, not really. But yes, electric transportation... scooter and car. That's our biggest use of energy, so why not have it be coal-powered instead of petroleum-powered??? Seriously, it is still a smaller carbon footprint. And cheaper. Sometimes I forget how much we do to conserve energy, and the main reason I forget is because I spend SO MUCH TIME sitting in the big machine in traffic, thinking of the exhaust and the drilling that happens just because I am in that machine. It's gotta be the biggest part of our energy and waste footprints. But making changes there is hampered by this town's (and this nation's) energy and transportation infrastructure. Which leads me to looking at what I can do about THAT.

I did call my Senators about Clean Energy and asked them to cap carbon emissions. I need to do more of this communicating with our leaders. It occurred to me the other night after watching Jon Stewart show the video clips of the last eight presidents all saying the same old thing about clean energy future... how depressing was that?!... anyway it occurred to me that what we need is for the American PEOPLE to change our ways. There is no way one person (the President), or even 595 people, can make the changes necessary. It is up to all of us. So, what's YOUR FAMILY'S PLAN for a clean energy future? What's your next step to using less? What's your next step to inspiring and empowering others to use less?

Image from Union of Concerned Scientists.

Holy Organic Underwear!!!!

My daughter, Tegan, organized this event at Va Tech:



That day, spurred on by a website called 350, people all over the world worked to raise awareness about Climate Change. Check out this video of 15,000 people in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Tegan sent her picture in to PACT, and they sent her some awesome underwear. It is manufactured with cradle-to-cradle philosophy. Every part of the process has been honed to have the least impact possible on the environment. Everything - the underwear, the packaging, the label - is recyclable and/or compostable. And part of their proceeds go to various non-profit orgs working to clean up this earth. This is real change. So... change your underwear.

The Power of Unity

And the power of intention.

On Monday, the team I am leading is going to start doing the work for which I hired them. I had to pull together all kinds of papers and supplies and approvals and agreements from government and contract people who are all up to their ears in end-of contract transition to make this happen. I love that my manager trusted me to do this. I love that having a positive attitude has been rewarded by positive get-it-done attitudes in the people working with me. I love that this project is restoring my faith in humans to be mostly helpful and agreeable.

I love this video. I don't care what you think of Oprah (I admire her). This is a powerful demonstration of the energy a group of people can create just by wanting to create something beautiful together. Sometimes I feel like the woman dancing alone being looked at like I'm crazy... when I dance, when I sing the national anthem at games, when I cheer, when I clap and dance at parades. People ask if I am drunk, they seem to think my happiness and excitement is annoying or even bad. What would happen if they let go of their inhibitions and let out their inner kid and just joined in? Maybe something like this...

Secret to Soccer

Ball touches.

The more you touch that ball, the better you know it. If you touch it enough, you will know exactly how big it is, and how it responds to the different ways you touch it. There is NO WAY to get good at soccer without really getting to know that ball. Spending time with it, with and without other friends. To really love it and want to help it get to its goal. To share it, let it go, and welcome it back. To respect its impossible roundness, its squirrelyness, its perfection and your imperfection.

Quality time, you might call it, but if it ain't quantity time, too, you're goin' nowhere.

Call it a game, call it parenting or marriage or career or personal growth or any number of things you want to win at. Call it life. Or just call it soccer.

It's a small planet

And now, a message from one of my heroes, Amory Lovins, of Rocky Mountain Institute.

Does a Big Economy Need Big Power Plants?

And, 207 Benefits of Distributed Resources.