More Unlimited

I just found this post in my draft folder.  Not sure why I didn't post it when I wrote it in 2009, about a month after our trip to Ethiopia to pick up the kids. Makes me want to go back to Addis.
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My friend, Liz, writes a great blog about her quest for fitness. She loves the theater. She has taken her frustration about her body and made her quest for healthy self-love and self-care into a performance. I love her writing. This entry is about living within our means.

I have been thinking about and pursuing this "living within my means" thing for the last five years, but especially since I brought my kids here from Ethiopia. Four weeks IN Ethiopia (NOT at the Hilton or the Sheraton) actually shifted my focus more to thinking of it in terms of time rather than money or food. No electricity every third day? No problem. Read a book. No way to do any work from here? No problem. Play with the kids. No chores to do because I am not at home? No problem, go for a walk. Or heck, just sit here in the sunshine.

Sometimes when I am in the car, beating myself up for not getting enough done, I take a deep breath and remember the feeling of just being that I had so often in Ethiopia. One day we went to the Ethiopian Immigration building. There were hundreds of people there, mostly Ethiopian. Everyone had to wait for long periods to get their piece of paper signed, or their photo taken, or to pay their fee, or to do all of it. I brought books for my kids to read while they waited. But almost no-one else had brought anything to do while they were waiting. They all sat, and waited, some talked a bit, but mostly, people just waited. Can you imagine people here choosing not to multi-task? American waiting rooms have TVs, toys, magazines galore. It's a rare thing for people in these rooms to greet each other, and actually look into each others eyes. In Ethiopia, almost everyone looked into my eyes.

Enjoying coffee after dinner on the porch with new friends in Addis Ababa

So much of what I do with food, and money, has to do with not being able to just be. I'm bored, so I eat. I'm scared, so I spend money. I'm grumpy, so I cheer myself up by spending money and eating.

I have been a little mystified by my boys' behavior around food and activities and stuff. Here are kids who owned nothing, and really have no concept of money-value of things. They were surprised when I told them that I pay for the electricity, and our car, and our house. They are overwhelmed by all the stuff, all the toys, all the clothes (and we kept ourselves from doing the usual buy buy buy that most parents do). Yet, when I say no to buying a new pair of soccer shoes, they sulk. When I tell them that what they just ate for dinner was plenty (because it was twice as much as I could ever eat in one sitting), they sulk because they cannot have another banana. They have never had the opportunity to have more, more, more, so now MORE is what they want all the time. And they live in the land of MORE. They have been told all their lives about America... that there is MORE in America. Mostly, it is the dream of going to America to be educated, then coming back to Ethiopia and helping build the country into something more. To help. To be of service. This is what so many Ethiopians want from going to America.

So, can they learn here? Can people actually learn what they need to learn to be of service here in a place where More More More is the silent ohm chanted by almost every American? How can the experience of MORE UNLIMITED not get under one's skin?

And how is it not disgusting to people who have grown up in a culture of "enough is too much" and "no problem?"  (Note from the future, 2013: it is not disgusting to kids because they are kids. Based on my reading, I am pretty sure it is disgusting to adults who come here from other cultures where More is not valued over Enough.)

By the way, I am going tomorrow to trade in my perfectly good Subaru wagon for a mini-van so I can have more. More space, more seat belts for my bigger family. It makes sense, but it still feels so American. So ridiculously lavish. So comfortable in a world full of people who accept so much discomfort saying "no problem."

Dance, Rise

This morning, in my bed, I felt completely safe and loved.  I thought: this is the ultimate privilege, to be safe and adored and deeply connected to someone who loves me, someone I love.

Last night, inspired by a friend's invitation to today's One Billion Rising event in my town, I watched some of the videos, and listened to the anthem, Break the Chain.  I watched the short film that has been available for the last half a year, and I watched the one that was made for Indonesia.  In the films, there are images of women experiencing violence.  These are dramatizations of actual horrifying events that happen to real people, mostly to women and children, every day.  They are not even as long or as graphic as the the same events we see dramatized in movies (for our entertainment, ugh!), but they are more difficult to watch. The film then goes on to show us these same women, opening their eyes and rising.  Rising out of these miserable events and Getting Out, and dancing.  Yes, dancing.

This is a world-wide event, organized to connect people everywhere in an effort to raise the level of effort being directed at ending violence against women. People all over the world have organized a dance.  A global flash mob.   

I am 51 years old, and there is a well-honed cynical portion of my mind that sees the website and the thirty-second celebrity videos and the t-shirts and the dance videos and the Concept and says:  

What Good Will It Do?

In my life, I have been raped, harassed, pimped, abandoned pregnant, neglected, exploited in the workplace, and ridiculed because I am female. The horror in that statement comes from the fact that my life has been pretty average.

Most of that is not happening for me anymore... I have risen. I rose out of oppression with the help and love of many people who decided to create safety and love for people in their lives. I used to spend a lot of energy working to end sexism and empower women. But lately, I haven't had the same sense of urgency.

this is my body

my body's holy

I am a feminist.  I minored in Women Studies.  I marched in Take Back the Night marches. I have stood up and spoken out.  I have taken risks.  But I have become lazy and cynical and invested in my own comfort.  I do everything I can to make my life comfortable.  And then I throw some leftover crumbs to "people in need" in the form of an occasional check to a non-profit organization. That is what I do to work towards the elimination of oppression these days.

Well, not really.  I also work very hard to raise my children to recognize oppressions and to be allies to the oppressed and to just generally be loving and kind.  I work very hard to change myself into the kind of person I want them to be, knowing that they will learn what I do much more deeply than they learn what I say to them. So, yes, I do put some real effort into changing this world. On the home front.

Meanwhile, women and children all over this world are being raped and beaten and living in slavery.

Meanwhile, women and children all over this world - in MY community, in MY town, here in my "free" country - are being treated like possessions, like things.

One in three women is raped in her lifetime.

Even during those amazing moments

when I am fully aware 

of how precious and rare 

is my experience 

of real safety and love.

But here's the thing: 

IT IS NOT A PRIVILEGE.

SAFETY AND LOVE 

are BIRTHRIGHTS 

of every human being.

Every person is inherently entitled to be safe, to love, and to be loved.

This is my most deeply held belief.  This is the bottom line underneath every statement of belief I have ever spoken.

So, today, at 5:30, I will meet the people in Morgantown who are rising and dancing to end violence against women.  I will be dancing for SAFETY.  I will be dancing for LOVE.

And if the only thing that comes out of this day of women and men and children attempting to bring awareness to their communities that the chains must be broken is that a significant number of young women take this song to heart... then I have hope that someday we will live in a world where every one experiences real safety, and real love.

I will be teaching my children this song.




Break the Chain  by Tena Clark
Music by Tena Clark/Tim Heintz

Intro- I raise my arms to the sky
On my knees I pray
I’m not afraid anymore
I will walk through that door
Walk, dance, rise
Walk, dance, rise

I can see a world where we all live
Safe and free from all oppression
No more rape or incest, or abuse
Women are not a possession

You’ve never owned me, don’t even know me I’m not invisible, I’m simply wonderful I feel my heart for the first time racing I feel alive, I feel so amazing

I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
Its time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain
Dance, rise
Dance, rise

In the middle of this madness, we will stand I know there is a better world Take your sisters & your brothers by the hand Reach out to every woman & girl

This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures
I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
It’s time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain

Dance Break Inst.

Dance, rise
Dance, rise

Sister won’t you help me, sister won’t you rise x4

Dance, rise
Dance, rise

Sister won’t you help me, sister won’t you rise x4

This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures

I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
Its time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain
(Repeat chorus)

Here is the One Billion Rising website, where you can see what is happening all over the world today.
Here is the short film which gives me a sense that I am connected to every woman in this world, and we can rise together.

Here is the message from the United Nations Office of the General Secretary.

“If I can't dance - I don't want to be part of your revolution.”

Emma Goldman

The Secret of the Five-day Vacation

I have discovered a low-investment/high-yield activity that could change your life.

Say you have ten precious days of vacation to spend in a year.  (I have three weeks of Personal Leave Time annually after working for my company for almost 13 years, but that includes sick time and family leave type time off.) You might save it all up to take a two-week vacation in the summertime with your family to some beach resort, or you might like to take yours during winter holiday time so you can visit faraway family.  Or, you might like to save it up to take a trip to some amazing destination that involves a two-day car/train/jet travel time.

But, you could use it a little bit at a time and get a lot more bang for you buck.

What if you find a place within a one-to-two hour drive from you home, and take three days off.  Make sure it is a place where you do not have access to the internet, and hopefully, not even a phone.  Pick a place where you can't do anything but swim.  Or anything by ski.  Or anything but sit around and look at the beautiful trees.  There are 6,624 state parks and 59 national parks in the U.S. (according to Wikipedia) and I bet some of them are within a one-to-two hour drive of your house.  Many parks have cabins and campsites.  And I am betting the rest have hotels or motels not too far away.  So... think about this.  You could spend a day driving to some resort beach with tons of "recreational" activities all lit up along the highway, spend your two weeks of vacation hurry hurry do do do spend spend spend eating out every night and then drive all day to get home, then crash on your couch because you are exhausted from your vacation.  OR, three or four times a year, you could pack the minimal amount of clothes and games and recreational equipment, drive one hour, check into a rustic cabin with no TV for the kids to fight with you over, and cook easy meals in the sparse kitchen, and ENJOY having play time with your family.  Three vacation days plus two weekend days... five days to enjoy doing some Nothing.  Then, after three and a half days of that luxury, pack up your car, have a little more fun, and drive one hour home.  Unpack, do some laundry, and you are ready to go back to work and school and taxi-cabbing your kids to all their sporting events.  Yeah.  Three days of Vacation that were truly relaxing.  Make it even better by doing it with another family, or several families... all your more laid back friends with kids who enjoy your kids.  Jackpot.  This is the good life.

You can do that THREE or FOUR times a year with your precious vacation time.  Get a real break from work, get some real play time with your family, and actually reduce your stress rather than increase it.

Just an idea.

You can thank me when your are soaking your feet in Epsom salts because you had SO MUCH FUN cross country skiing for miles all weekend with your friends and watching your kids slide down the steepest sledding hill you have ever seen.