Fifty-two Ways to Relieve Stress

... that do not involve food.

Someday, I am going to write about my journey to healthy eating, because, people, on the eve of my 52nd birthday, I feel like I have finally arrived. That is a long story, but part of it is that when I am trying to change habits, it helps to have new actions to grab when the old habit beckons. One of the things I figured out once I got my head out of the sand with respect to me and food is that I eat when I am bored and I eat when I am experiencing stress. I eat to celebrate and I eat to relax. The eating when stressed seems to be the biggest problem, because it is hard to think clearly when I am stressed. So, I'm making a list to which I can refer.

Ways to meet stress and keep on walking...

1. Punch Bozo.

2. Say no.
3. Sing a song from your childhood as loud as you can, or as silly as you can. Sing Row Your Boat with a mad voice.
4. Sigh.
5. Do nothing for ten minutes.
6. Slow down the pace.

"For fast-acting relief try slowing down.”  

– Lily Tomlin

7. Reduce the number of clocks in your life.
8. Walk three miles. Two miles will do in a pinch, but for some reason three works best for me. Three takes about forty minutes.
9. Invite or make a plan for safe, intimate connection with a loved one (which may or may not involve sex).

10. Make up the saddest song on earth about the terrible plight in which you are mired.
11. Sweep the floors.
12. Make something in the kitchen. Yes, technically, this involves food, but it is the creation of the food that I am advocating here. When you have to create from scratch the food you are wanting to stress-eat, the act of creating slows you down and helps you move into your cognitive mind. Getting out of reptile brain and into big brain is the key to handling stress.
13. Cross something off your to-do list. Just let it go. Say, I really don't need to do that.
14. Declutter one shelf or one drawer.
15. Do jumping jacks.
16. Look at pictures of baby animals. The interwebs are full of them for a reason!

17. Walk up and down the stairs in your building.
18. Draw the country that is you or a map to your dreamlife.
19. Add one thing to your bucket list and do a little research on it.
20. Pick a date for something on your bucket list and start planning. Look forward to it.
21. Make a damage control list. Something happened that triggered this feeling of stress. It is a problem that needs to be solved. Take a little time to brainstorm solutions before you act. Knowing what can or might be done to solve the problem can help you put the problem in better perspective.
22. Say aloud:  This is not the end of the world.
23. Or:  I can handle this.
24. Or:  I can handle this with help from ___________.
25. Growl.
26. Remember your mission. If you have not figured out your mission, do it. Having one sentence in your mind that embodies your reason for being on this earth can be very helpful when you are faced with a problem or making a decision. Your mission can change from time to time as you learn and grow.  Keep it simple. Just answer the question: why am I here on this earth?  I know, this SEEMS difficult and complicated.  But really, you know in your core what you are doing here. Just listen to your belly when you are out on a walk or in the woods or doing something you love doing.  Why are you here on this earth?  First thing that comes to your mind?  Write it down.  Memorize it.  Then, remember it whenever you feel unmoored. My current mission: Open heart, healing hands. And my vision: play more, live outside, love more.

27. Cut your expectations.  For example, you think you need to make a list of 52 things, when really 26 or so will do. A lot of our expectations are arbitrary. Somewhere, we got this idea that we need to do all the dishes every time we do them, or we need to clean a whole room, or we need to spend this amount of money on a gift, or we need to cook a big dinner every day, or we need to read every email in the inbox. The world is not going to end if we don't meet these expectations. In a lot of ways, you get to decide how much time and energy you need to put into any specific task. This is especially true in your own home, but it is also often true at work or school. For people who are high achievers, a lot of stress comes from our own expectations of ourselves, not pressure from others. Oh, we try to convince ourselves that the boss demands it, the customer expects it, the dependent needs it.  But when we are honest, it is really us beating up on ourselves trying to prove that we are okay.  Guess what? You're okay. You don't have to prove it. Get out of your reptile survival brain and be in your rational mind. Take a look at what you truly need and want. Don't take another step in your life without knowing it is a step you are choosing.  It is a step you are taking in this particular direction, this speed, this style because it is your step.

Mine are the scruffy ones second from right.

basket weaving by the seat of my trousers

“There were no sex classes. No friendship classes. No classes on how to navigate a bureaucracy, build an organization, raise money, create a database, buy a house, love a child, spot a scam, talk someone out of suicide, or figure out what was important to me. Not knowing how to do these things is what messes people up in life, not whether they know algebra or can analyze literature.” -William Upski Wimsatt (someone please fact check the link between this name and this quote...)

Inspired in part by the above quote and this music (The Lone Bellow)

after spending a weekend sorting, organizing, and scanning 29 years of photos

on the occasion of the anniversary of my becoming a mother

my first poem in a long while

basket weaving by the seat of my trousers

life is a little easier

when we know every human

we meet is flying

by the seat of his or her pants

especially when we remember

we ourselves don't have working navigational systems

or radio contact. it's important to be

in our bodies, and to have faith

in our ability to literally feel our way through

the fog. it is enough to listen,

to listen to your friend, to listen to your heart,

to listen to your own voice while you are talking,

to listen to the wind in the trees, to listen

to the song of love, and to know

every crack in every heart can

be healed

lovingly knit it with threads

of honest kindness. you

are a basket woven

it is your job to keep your basket repaired

to consciously choose

what goes in the basket and what stays

out. your brokenness cannot help

but allow some darkness to seep

out onto others and cause breaks in other hearts,

the brokenness of others cannot help but overflow

onto yours. forgive.

especially forgive yourself for not

knowing. and forgive everyone

who breaks you

for not knowing better. and learn. learn and create

safety.

learn and create nurture. learn and create

a place

where each person can say

what their broken heart looks like

how they plan to sew it up

so it can hold love

to the point of overflowing.

so it can hold

you.

-barbara l. walker 2013 morgantown wv

 (I'm having a hard time doing the above these days.)

 (I stopped eating sugar, and now I have these STUPID things called feelings. Wah!)

Idiom etymology... "by the seat of one's pants"

What We Deserve

I was cleaning out my inbox and came across an email called "what McVeigh deserved" which contained a copy of the letter to the editor of the local paper I wrote a few days after Timothy McVeigh was executed for setting off the bomb in Oklahoma City in 1995. It was June 2001, and I was responding to the onslaught of letters and comments rejoicing in the death of McVeigh as "justice" or "what he deserved."

_______

Dear Editor,

We seem to be stalled as a nation on repetitive debate of a handful of very difficult issues.  I think it is time to go beyond the words and take some action. 

I think McVeigh deserved what every human being deserves:  the thoughtful and expert attention of a healer, or dozens of healers, who could find the good in him and bring it out; who could find the part of him that could see and appreciate and love other human beings just because they are human;  who could teach him how to love himself and express all his feelings in appropriate and non-harmful ways;  who could teach him the skills of non-violent conflict resolution;  who could help him find the power within himself to see and be grateful for the abundance the universe has for him and every other living thing;  to help him find his unique gift inside him to give himself, his loved ones and his community; and to unbury the internal motivation and thoughtfulness and energy to attempt to make amends for his wrong-doing.    Maybe he was beyond all hope of recuperating the full and open heart he was born with, but did anyone try?

Now, I know this would be quite an intense undertaking.  And to multiply that by all the rapists and murderers and spouse-abusers and child molesters sitting in our prisons and roaming our streets and living in our homes is what can only be called an enormous task which requires a long-term commitment to something for which we don't even have the resources.  Yet.  Remember, we mobilized the greatest minds in the world to create a nuclear bomb, we mobilized the money and brain-power to get to the moon, and we still put more and more money, time and energy into "defending our borders."  Tell me, when will this country be safe enough from the fear of invasion to turn our attention and resources to the true healing of our people and our culture?  Or at least to give it equal importance.  About 40% of people in this nation are addicted to something; one out of three women and one out of five men are sexually molested, most before the age of eighteen; but we aren't supposed to talk about that.  Those facts alone are a clear indicator of the poor emotional health of most adults in this country.   Our children are growing up in danger and we pretend to be the safest place in the world. 

According to U.S. culture, there are good guys and there are bad guys and when the bad guys are really bad, the feds kill them.   Except for the rich ones, the powerful ones, the ones we turn into heroes or at least rich authors and speakers.  We, as a nation, need to commit ourselves to creating a cultural shift in order to get beyond the easy solutions:  capital punishment, war on drugs, undermining reproductive rights, etc.  These are band-aids we put on difficult issues hoping they will go away.  I say, DON'T TREAT THE SYMPTOMS, TREAT THE DISEASE.  We cannot eliminate alcoholism by trying to eliminate alcohol, we cannot eliminate drug addiction by trying to get rid of drugs, we cannot eliminate abortion by making it illegal and unsafe, we cannot eliminate unplanned pregnancy and STD's by just saying abstinence,  and we cannot eliminate hate by killing the people who hate enough to blow people up.

Killing is not part of healing, it is part of giving up hope.   I want my children to be safe and free.  Time to train young hearts and minds for the new work, the new frontier, the new race to the moon called Creating A Culture of Kindness and Real Safety, a place where everyone knows how to solve problems with words and patience and hard work rather than fists and guns and bombs and poison.

____________________

Twelve years ago, pre-9/11/01, before lots of the mass shootings, before massive efforts to increase our safety. Still stalled as a nation.

Do we feel any safer yet?  Are we doing any more than we were then to increase the mental health of U.S. and world citizens? I don't think so.

I still believe this. I still imagine a world where sick people can be healed.

I am committed to providing tools for helping broken hearts and minds heal. 

Fighting fire with fire doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. Let's fight fire with love.

More Unlimited

I just found this post in my draft folder.  Not sure why I didn't post it when I wrote it in 2009, about a month after our trip to Ethiopia to pick up the kids. Makes me want to go back to Addis.
_______________________________________________________________

My friend, Liz, writes a great blog about her quest for fitness. She loves the theater. She has taken her frustration about her body and made her quest for healthy self-love and self-care into a performance. I love her writing. This entry is about living within our means.

I have been thinking about and pursuing this "living within my means" thing for the last five years, but especially since I brought my kids here from Ethiopia. Four weeks IN Ethiopia (NOT at the Hilton or the Sheraton) actually shifted my focus more to thinking of it in terms of time rather than money or food. No electricity every third day? No problem. Read a book. No way to do any work from here? No problem. Play with the kids. No chores to do because I am not at home? No problem, go for a walk. Or heck, just sit here in the sunshine.

Sometimes when I am in the car, beating myself up for not getting enough done, I take a deep breath and remember the feeling of just being that I had so often in Ethiopia. One day we went to the Ethiopian Immigration building. There were hundreds of people there, mostly Ethiopian. Everyone had to wait for long periods to get their piece of paper signed, or their photo taken, or to pay their fee, or to do all of it. I brought books for my kids to read while they waited. But almost no-one else had brought anything to do while they were waiting. They all sat, and waited, some talked a bit, but mostly, people just waited. Can you imagine people here choosing not to multi-task? American waiting rooms have TVs, toys, magazines galore. It's a rare thing for people in these rooms to greet each other, and actually look into each others eyes. In Ethiopia, almost everyone looked into my eyes.

Enjoying coffee after dinner on the porch with new friends in Addis Ababa

So much of what I do with food, and money, has to do with not being able to just be. I'm bored, so I eat. I'm scared, so I spend money. I'm grumpy, so I cheer myself up by spending money and eating.

I have been a little mystified by my boys' behavior around food and activities and stuff. Here are kids who owned nothing, and really have no concept of money-value of things. They were surprised when I told them that I pay for the electricity, and our car, and our house. They are overwhelmed by all the stuff, all the toys, all the clothes (and we kept ourselves from doing the usual buy buy buy that most parents do). Yet, when I say no to buying a new pair of soccer shoes, they sulk. When I tell them that what they just ate for dinner was plenty (because it was twice as much as I could ever eat in one sitting), they sulk because they cannot have another banana. They have never had the opportunity to have more, more, more, so now MORE is what they want all the time. And they live in the land of MORE. They have been told all their lives about America... that there is MORE in America. Mostly, it is the dream of going to America to be educated, then coming back to Ethiopia and helping build the country into something more. To help. To be of service. This is what so many Ethiopians want from going to America.

So, can they learn here? Can people actually learn what they need to learn to be of service here in a place where More More More is the silent ohm chanted by almost every American? How can the experience of MORE UNLIMITED not get under one's skin?

And how is it not disgusting to people who have grown up in a culture of "enough is too much" and "no problem?"  (Note from the future, 2013: it is not disgusting to kids because they are kids. Based on my reading, I am pretty sure it is disgusting to adults who come here from other cultures where More is not valued over Enough.)

By the way, I am going tomorrow to trade in my perfectly good Subaru wagon for a mini-van so I can have more. More space, more seat belts for my bigger family. It makes sense, but it still feels so American. So ridiculously lavish. So comfortable in a world full of people who accept so much discomfort saying "no problem."

Dance, Rise

This morning, in my bed, I felt completely safe and loved.  I thought: this is the ultimate privilege, to be safe and adored and deeply connected to someone who loves me, someone I love.

Last night, inspired by a friend's invitation to today's One Billion Rising event in my town, I watched some of the videos, and listened to the anthem, Break the Chain.  I watched the short film that has been available for the last half a year, and I watched the one that was made for Indonesia.  In the films, there are images of women experiencing violence.  These are dramatizations of actual horrifying events that happen to real people, mostly to women and children, every day.  They are not even as long or as graphic as the the same events we see dramatized in movies (for our entertainment, ugh!), but they are more difficult to watch. The film then goes on to show us these same women, opening their eyes and rising.  Rising out of these miserable events and Getting Out, and dancing.  Yes, dancing.

This is a world-wide event, organized to connect people everywhere in an effort to raise the level of effort being directed at ending violence against women. People all over the world have organized a dance.  A global flash mob.   

I am 51 years old, and there is a well-honed cynical portion of my mind that sees the website and the thirty-second celebrity videos and the t-shirts and the dance videos and the Concept and says:  

What Good Will It Do?

In my life, I have been raped, harassed, pimped, abandoned pregnant, neglected, exploited in the workplace, and ridiculed because I am female. The horror in that statement comes from the fact that my life has been pretty average.

Most of that is not happening for me anymore... I have risen. I rose out of oppression with the help and love of many people who decided to create safety and love for people in their lives. I used to spend a lot of energy working to end sexism and empower women. But lately, I haven't had the same sense of urgency.

this is my body

my body's holy

I am a feminist.  I minored in Women Studies.  I marched in Take Back the Night marches. I have stood up and spoken out.  I have taken risks.  But I have become lazy and cynical and invested in my own comfort.  I do everything I can to make my life comfortable.  And then I throw some leftover crumbs to "people in need" in the form of an occasional check to a non-profit organization. That is what I do to work towards the elimination of oppression these days.

Well, not really.  I also work very hard to raise my children to recognize oppressions and to be allies to the oppressed and to just generally be loving and kind.  I work very hard to change myself into the kind of person I want them to be, knowing that they will learn what I do much more deeply than they learn what I say to them. So, yes, I do put some real effort into changing this world. On the home front.

Meanwhile, women and children all over this world are being raped and beaten and living in slavery.

Meanwhile, women and children all over this world - in MY community, in MY town, here in my "free" country - are being treated like possessions, like things.

One in three women is raped in her lifetime.

Even during those amazing moments

when I am fully aware 

of how precious and rare 

is my experience 

of real safety and love.

But here's the thing: 

IT IS NOT A PRIVILEGE.

SAFETY AND LOVE 

are BIRTHRIGHTS 

of every human being.

Every person is inherently entitled to be safe, to love, and to be loved.

This is my most deeply held belief.  This is the bottom line underneath every statement of belief I have ever spoken.

So, today, at 5:30, I will meet the people in Morgantown who are rising and dancing to end violence against women.  I will be dancing for SAFETY.  I will be dancing for LOVE.

And if the only thing that comes out of this day of women and men and children attempting to bring awareness to their communities that the chains must be broken is that a significant number of young women take this song to heart... then I have hope that someday we will live in a world where every one experiences real safety, and real love.

I will be teaching my children this song.




Break the Chain  by Tena Clark
Music by Tena Clark/Tim Heintz

Intro- I raise my arms to the sky
On my knees I pray
I’m not afraid anymore
I will walk through that door
Walk, dance, rise
Walk, dance, rise

I can see a world where we all live
Safe and free from all oppression
No more rape or incest, or abuse
Women are not a possession

You’ve never owned me, don’t even know me I’m not invisible, I’m simply wonderful I feel my heart for the first time racing I feel alive, I feel so amazing

I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
Its time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain
Dance, rise
Dance, rise

In the middle of this madness, we will stand I know there is a better world Take your sisters & your brothers by the hand Reach out to every woman & girl

This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures
I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
It’s time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain

Dance Break Inst.

Dance, rise
Dance, rise

Sister won’t you help me, sister won’t you rise x4

Dance, rise
Dance, rise

Sister won’t you help me, sister won’t you rise x4

This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures

I dance cause I love
Dance cause I dream
Dance cause I’ve had enough
Dance to stop the screams
Dance to break the rules
Dance to stop the pain
Dance to turn it upside down
Its time to break the chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain, oh yeah
Break the Chain
(Repeat chorus)

Here is the One Billion Rising website, where you can see what is happening all over the world today.
Here is the short film which gives me a sense that I am connected to every woman in this world, and we can rise together.

Here is the message from the United Nations Office of the General Secretary.

“If I can't dance - I don't want to be part of your revolution.”

Emma Goldman

The Secret of the Five-day Vacation

I have discovered a low-investment/high-yield activity that could change your life.

Say you have ten precious days of vacation to spend in a year.  (I have three weeks of Personal Leave Time annually after working for my company for almost 13 years, but that includes sick time and family leave type time off.) You might save it all up to take a two-week vacation in the summertime with your family to some beach resort, or you might like to take yours during winter holiday time so you can visit faraway family.  Or, you might like to save it up to take a trip to some amazing destination that involves a two-day car/train/jet travel time.

But, you could use it a little bit at a time and get a lot more bang for you buck.

What if you find a place within a one-to-two hour drive from you home, and take three days off.  Make sure it is a place where you do not have access to the internet, and hopefully, not even a phone.  Pick a place where you can't do anything but swim.  Or anything by ski.  Or anything but sit around and look at the beautiful trees.  There are 6,624 state parks and 59 national parks in the U.S. (according to Wikipedia) and I bet some of them are within a one-to-two hour drive of your house.  Many parks have cabins and campsites.  And I am betting the rest have hotels or motels not too far away.  So... think about this.  You could spend a day driving to some resort beach with tons of "recreational" activities all lit up along the highway, spend your two weeks of vacation hurry hurry do do do spend spend spend eating out every night and then drive all day to get home, then crash on your couch because you are exhausted from your vacation.  OR, three or four times a year, you could pack the minimal amount of clothes and games and recreational equipment, drive one hour, check into a rustic cabin with no TV for the kids to fight with you over, and cook easy meals in the sparse kitchen, and ENJOY having play time with your family.  Three vacation days plus two weekend days... five days to enjoy doing some Nothing.  Then, after three and a half days of that luxury, pack up your car, have a little more fun, and drive one hour home.  Unpack, do some laundry, and you are ready to go back to work and school and taxi-cabbing your kids to all their sporting events.  Yeah.  Three days of Vacation that were truly relaxing.  Make it even better by doing it with another family, or several families... all your more laid back friends with kids who enjoy your kids.  Jackpot.  This is the good life.

You can do that THREE or FOUR times a year with your precious vacation time.  Get a real break from work, get some real play time with your family, and actually reduce your stress rather than increase it.

Just an idea.

You can thank me when your are soaking your feet in Epsom salts because you had SO MUCH FUN cross country skiing for miles all weekend with your friends and watching your kids slide down the steepest sledding hill you have ever seen.

prayer for a community at a loss for words

Oh Unknowable Author of Mystery,

We cry out to you

in shock and sadness

anger and doubt

We do not understand

what appears to be

the absence of your Love

in the murder of twenty innocent children

and the loving adults who cared for them

or the trauma their classmates, colleagues, and families

are now experiencing

We are heartbroken for all of them.

We don’t know what to do!

Some of us feel like powerless children

eyes wide, hands in the air

just hoping for a reason

to feel safe

Some of us feel like worried parents

who just want to do something

to make everything “all better”

Some of us feel a wish to be leaders

to make laws or create programs

in an attempt to prevent any more loss

But – we all know

as individuals

we are powerless

We are unable to prevent loss.

We are unable to make it all better.

As individuals, we are powerless

to create safety for all of the children in our care.

That’s why we are here

hoping

against all of our doubts

that You – the Power

of Universal Love

You – the Unseen Friend to All

You – the Holy Glue

that somehow brings us together

even in our diversity of stories

about who You are and who you are not

We beg You – Love – to connect us now.

Bring us a clarity in our Oneness

as the Human Family

that allows us

to think together

to work compassionately

and thoroughly and wisely

to create safety and well-being

for all of us.

 

We commit ourselves to each other

–despite our differences–

to love each other

to help each other

We commit ourselves

to asking for help.

We commit ourselves

to creating safety

in each personal interaction

so that people who are deeply hurting

and scared

can find the help that is needed

We commit ourselves to Love

We are thankful

for the light of community.

We are thankful

to be alive

to have each other

and to know Love works.

We ask

for comfort

for hope

for peace

and for wisdom.

Let it be so.

(c)2012 Barbara L. Walker, Morgantown WV

written for a candlelight vigil for the children of Sandy Hook

for all who have lost a child, or the dream of a child, 

in whatever way the child was lost

your pain may have been triggered by this event

this song may comfort you

for leaders, official and otherwise, please start with this story