Your Work ≠ Your Job Description

This morning as I drove my daughter to school, we were talking about her work schedule.  She is working at Panera for some teenage cash flow.  She often works until close, which means she gets to clean the bathrooms at the end of the day.  I said, "You're going to get really good at cleaning bathrooms." She shrugged.

I told her about my days working on a nuclear power plant construction site.  About 5000 people worked there (only about 100 were women).  I was 20 years old, taking a break from college to earn more money for college tuition.  I was an Engineer's Aid.  I accompanied the Pipefitter Apprentice to the field in order to watch a Pipefitter tighten the bolts on pipe hangers.  As part of the engineering staff, I was not allowed to carry the torque wrench, which is why we needed the Pipefitter Apprentice.  I had to sign off on the fact that the hanger bolts were tightened properly.  There are lots of rules on a nuclear power plant construction site. I also looked up valve vendor information the engineers needed for their drawings and did other small jobs for the small pipe engineers.

My desk was in a big metal building on the other side of the road that wound around the giant plant.  On the side of that road closer to the building was a long row of portapots.  Every day, there was a man who drove around cleaning out the portapots.  He had the big truck with the large vacuum hose.  Every day, when he parked that truck outside our building, and cleaned out those pots, he sang.  He sang loud.  Really loud.  He sang so loud we could hear him inside our building, over the sound of the truck sucking the crap out of the pots.  He sang hymns with great joy.  He did this every day, without fail.  He was the most joyful person I had ever encountered in my young life. 

I wish I knew his name.  I think I waved to him and smiled once in a while as I walked out to the field to check on bolts or find some info on valves.  Eventually I was given more important jobs like making "as-built" changes to drawings of pipe after it had been installed and inspecting the welds on the hangers.  I was able to save most of my earnings because my parents supported me by letting me live with them and feeding me while I saved for college. (My dad worked at the plant, too, and helped me get my job there.)  I worked there for a year, and then made my way back to school.  I don't know what happened to the man who sang while he cleaned the portapots.  But, I wish I could tell him that his expression of joy has been with me all my life.  I remember him every time I have a yucky job to do and I want to complain.  And I start smiling.  And singing.

So, if anyone out there knows a sanitation worker who worked at Limerick in Pennsylvainia in 1981-1982, let him know that he did important work.  He made a difference in this world.  Tell him that I am deeply grateful for his gift to me.

Here is one of my favorite hymns to celebrate this man today.

My new theory: the natural conservation of Fine

Note: I created a song on the way home from dropping Jordan at school, then I got in the shower and this stream was unleashed. I'm too shy to share the raw song, so you get this. Hot off the brainwaves, people.

Let’s say that about 50 percent of my life is Fine, and about 50 percent of it is Not So Fine.  Because I grew up in this American culture built on a strange combination of struggle, violence, rightesouness, arrogance, and optimism, I tend to present myself as a person who is Fine.  “Everything’s fine.”  Yep, things are A-OK.  Then there are those times when I can’t hold on to that front, and I rant.  Everything is shit.  Life sucks.  My life is hell.  You get the picture.

What if the reality is that 50 percent of the time I’m doing okay, making good choices, and my circumstances are Fine, and the other 50 percent of the time I’m making mistakes, and there are circumstances beyond my control that are just Not Fine?  What if I don’t recognize that and instead try to keep up the appearance that Everything is Fine?  We call this Denial, which happens with both the Fine and the Not Fine. What I end up doing is waffling between the belief that everything is fine and the belief that everything is Not Fine.  And by waffling I mean wallowing, baby.  If there is one things we know how to do in this culture, it is wallowing.

What if I walked around knowing and acknowledging and admitting that about half the time, things are Fine, and half the time things are Not Fine.  (Okay, at any given point in a person’s life, it could well be that it is not an even half and half split, but on average, let’s just assume, that a person is given a life during which half the time circumstances and choices made are fine.)  If I don’t walk around thinking that everything SHOULD be Fine all the time, then I can actually see and admit when I make mistakes, and I can talk about that and try to make amends for it.  If I admit that things are Not Fine half the time, then I am also free to see how things ARE fine half the time.  And man, what if half the time things really are Fine?  Can I believe that?  Because when I get into the habit of hiding the Not Fine in my Everything’s Fine front, I might not trust when things really are Fine.  If I have to deny when things are Not Fine, then I also have to deny when things are Fine.  I might even start constantly looking for evidence that things are Never Fine… and when I look for evidence, I sure can find it, and then it starts looking as if things really are Not Fine.  All the time.

What if I could walk around my life knowing that things are Fine half the time?  Then, I would really be able to enjoy the Fine things.  AND, when things are Not Fine, I could remember that it is only going to be for half the time. This Not Fine time is temporary.  That makes Not Fine so much easier to handle.  If I am free to see the Not Fine as temporary, instead of a reason to Struggle, then I can operate from a place of not fearing it.  If I am not afraid of it, my brain is free to actually think about it rationally and maybe even solve it, or fix it, or deal with it, or let it be.  And that makes Not Fine not so Not Fine.  Right?  So, even though I am still in a life that is 50 percent Not Fine, and I am still making mistakes about 50 percent of the time I have any power to choose,  it just doesn’t feel as Not Fine… because I am not letting it feel like it is 90 or 100 percent Not Fine. 

So what if my life is really 60 percent Not Fine, and the person next to me happened to be luckier than me and got a 40 percent Not Fine life?  So What?  If I am rational about it, I will be fine.  If I spend all my life trying to hide or run away from the Not Fine, then no matter how little of my life is actually Not Fine… it will still feel like a large percentage of my life is Not Fine.  If I am rational about it, and embrace the reality that my life is 40 percent FINE…. Well, isn’t that a beautiful thing? 

Now, apply this to the big picture.  Let’s say, this nation.  On the one hand, we have the whole denial thing going on: everything is Fine… (chant with me) we’re number 1 we’re number 1…  And we have the whole Everything Is Crap thing going on.  We are so busy arguing over these two positions, in very passionate (read: emotional, irrational, diametric you’re wrong I’m right) ways, that we, as a group, don’t seem to be able to devote our  formidable Collective Brain Power to the actual work of making things better, of solving the problems.  If you can’t see or admit the difference between what is working and what is not working, you can’t begin to solve problems.  If you think everything is Fine, you can’t even see the Not Fine to work on it.  And if you can’t see the Fine, well, you are going to either be overwhelmed (and not able to fix anything), or you are going to start trying to fix things that aren’t broken.  And all the while, we (collective) are putting up this front… Everything is Fine… we’re number 1 we’re number 1!!!!  

Here’s the thing.  If I can admit that I make mistakes about half the time I have some kind of power, then I can admit that I could easily be wrong at any point in my life.  If I can admit that I could be wrong, then I can admit that my enemy could be right.  Then, my enemy ceases to be my enemy.  The I’m right, you’r wrong can become “Let’s see.”  We become We. All that energy that goes into fighting over who is right about what is Fine and what is Not Fine is freed to be put into actual Problem Solving.

So, my theory breaks down when I start talking about fixing things.  Because if we can fix things that are truly Not Fine, that means the 50/50 split between Fine and Not Fine might actually change.  It might tip towards a 60/40 split… as in, things will get better.  Wait… you mean if we admit the reality of there being things that are Fine and thing that are Not Fine, we might actually have the power to make things better?!??!!!

Stop Trying So Hard

I'm 50 years old and just beginning to see a few things clearly.

I tried to hard to give my first three children a better life than mine, or at least, a better childhood than my childhood... less rules, more fun, good food, good books, many songs, hugs and words of love.  My childhood wasn't so bad, but I grew up with a lot of loneliness.  I so wanted my kids to know they were not alone.

But, it turns out, every one of us is, ultimately, alone. I didn't really know how to deal with my own loneliness so I covered it up with fun and food and books and songs and do do do.  They were good things to do, but I wish I had focused less on doing, and more on being.  I wish I had taken an honest look inside and dealt with what I found.  I wish I had made time for parenting me.  I wish I had spent less time trying to be perfect, less time giving, and more time simply seeing and wondering and appreciating.  I wish I would have helped my kids understand that loneliness is inevitable, and showing them what to do with that feeling when it does come.

Good parenting has little to do with providing, showing, leading, guiding.  It is really about being... about letting my kids see me being. Awake. Sad. Appreciative. Distressed. Creative. Mad. Kind. Kind to me. Aware of the kindness of others. Compassionate. Alive.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” -Pema Chodron

There is no need for the armor of perfection.  The perfect mother will not have a child who knows what to do when despair falls on her.  The perfect mother will not have a child who knows how to dig himself out of a pile of mistakes he has made.  The perfect mother will not have a child who can see all that is good and pleasant in this world.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”  -Pema Chodron 

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”  -Pema Chodron

My Plan to Occupy Christmas

     Here's my question: people complain about commercialized Christmas and how crazy Christmas shopping is, but do they Step Away from the Cash Register?  Over the years, I have learned that family members and friends care more about expressions of love and gifts of time than anything you could possibly buy for them in a store.  If you ask my five siblings about their favorite Christmas in our family, every one of them describes the year we went to a cabin in the woods, spent Christmas day skiing, and then for presents, each person received a little box of hand-written notes of love from each member of the family.  These notes were written that day, at the prompting of my mom, who told us to write a note to each person telling them what you love about them.  I still have mine.  They are one of my most precious possessions.  I was 18 years old when I received this profound gift.  It has colored every Christmas since then a beautiful blue, both deep and bright.

     So... this is my encouragement to you to Occupy Christmas, or whatever holiday you are celebrating.  In fact, it is my hope that you will Occupy Your Family, Occupy Your Life.  Because to me, the whole Occupy movement is about waking up and being present and aware of what is going on around you.  And the most important thing to wake up to is how blessed you are to have the ones you love in your life.  TELL THEM.  If you want to buy gifts, go ahead. Buy local.  Buy small.  Buy sustainable.  It's okay to buy gifts.  But don't assume the gifts are doing the important job of letting peole know just how deep and wide your love is.

     Here's my plan for Occupying My Christmas.

     Step 1.  Watch The Story of Stuff.  This is becoming a holiday tradition, just like watching Elf.  In fact, we are going to watch all the videos on this site, like a video advent calendar.

     Step 2. Buy a cow or goat or sheep or goats or chickens for a family in need through Heifer International and send a witty card to my family members to show them the gift we bought for the whole family. (Mom, Dad, five sibs, a whole lot of nieces and nephews plus Laird's sibs and their loves).  We'll also post a picture of the animal on the wall or make a decoration for the tree at our house so my kids see this way of giving.  (Did you ever think about all the things your parents did that you had no clue about?  I'm learning to talk more about the things we do, so my kids we truly be aware of them.) 

     Step 3. Donate a chunk of money to the humanitarian efforts of the agency that helped bring us our children from Ethiopia and make a small donation to their Holiday Project that provides Christmas feasts to the orphanages with which they work.  We will also make a decoration for the tree that represents this gift. 

     Step 4. As I declutter this month, I will wrap mathoms for anyone I can think of.  I have lots of things I am ready to part with, but not ready to just hand to Goodwill.  Giving mathoms helps motivate me to clear out Stuff by adding love to the letting go. 

     Step 5. Get copies of well-loved pictures and frame them or make little sock monkeys (from scraps... time to declutter the craft corner!) for the people I will be with on Christmas morning. Wrap in used wrapping paper or scraps of fabric. Add a thoughtful love note - the most important part of the gift.  My friend has been making Sock Monkeys and I have invited her  and some other friends to come make sock monekys on a Saturday.  Each one has a name and unique personality.  Just having this connection and creative time with her will be a gift to me and the kids, and it will help the kids know that creating things to give is more fun than buying things.  The thing we make is not as important as the joy of making things with each other.

     Step 7. Make Cinnamon Swirl Oat Bread, aka NumNum Bread (named by Ben when he was two) which will magically erase any and all feelings of "not getting enough" on Christmas Day.  

     Step 8. Require (yes, force) all to get out to play or stay in a play games. Face-to-face, person-to-person, being alive, being together... this is what Holy Days are about.

     By the way, we also have a Solstice Sing every year... we celebrate the Winter Solstice with singing and candles and yummy sun-ful foods and a fire in the fireplace.  It is sweet to have a holiday for which there is no expectation of gifts.  Throughout December, we also read stories and talk about all the other winter holidays people celebrate on this earth. 

     Have a glorious holiday season full of light and love! 

more greens, more water, more walks, and this

Simple Meals for the Busy Family

aka Grab-n-Go or the Four Bin Food System
A healthy, eco-friendly alternative to depending on fast food restaurants in the age of travel soccer

I have four athletic kids.  Three of them are on travel soccer teams.  Three different teams.  And one is a senior in high school who plays varsity volleyball and lacrosse.  We have practices and/or games almost every day of the week in the fall.  Plus school and work.  Yes, we are a little crazy.  But, we are also fun.  We are game.  Our kids are much happier when they get lots of physical activity. So we Do. It. All.  When we signed up the third kid for the third travel soccer team, I had a moment of panic.  I pictured us going through the dreaded tunnel under the big yellow M every night of the week due to lack of time and planning.  I screamed inside.  Noooooooooooo!  I am organica mom.  I am happy chicken, grass-fed beef, free-range eggs, and farm-fresh veggies from the lovely folks at Backbone Food Farm and Round Right Farm.  I gag when forced to use styrofoam and single-use anything. I ride my bike to Farmers Market, people. I cannot drive my "Be a Localvore" bestickered soccer-mom van through the exhaust-ridden (oh how convenient!) bastions of high-calorie, low-value, too-little-love, consumeable ill health packages.  (Have you seen how huge those cups of HFCS-colored acid water are getting to be???)

My Slow Food Vehicle

So, I needed to come up with a system.  I woke up the next morning with a picture of a fridge full of home-cooked food that could be thrown down the gullets of the athletes as they run out the front door.  Brilliant!

Step 1: Get the bins

Find two two-quart containers and two four-quart containers.  I bought Rubbermaid BPA-free containers at Kroger because I knew if I waited until I went to a kitchen store or Target or ordered them online, I would lose my momentum.  Rubbermaid also makes glass ones with lids, and Pyrex makes some glass containers with lids. My bins are square and stack really well.  Create space inside your fridge for these containers to be stacked at all times. You’ll also need a place to store bread and muffins outside the fridge. An area in the fridge where you keep packages of tortillas is also a good idea.

Step 2: Fill the bins

In the beginning, you’ll need to devote a half-day or so to filling up the containers mainly because the first time you do it, you’ll think it will take way longer than it actually takes. You can either fill up all the containers every weekend, or fill each one as it is emptied.  For example, if you run out of rice on Wednesday, just cook a batch of rice and refill it on Wednesday night or Thursday morning.  Whenever any container gets close to running out, figure out what you’ll cook to fill it up again, and the time you will be able to do so.

Container 1 (four-quart): Grain or legume (lentils, people)

Container 2 (two-quart):  Meat or beans
Container 3 (two-quart): Cooked veggies
Container 4 (four-quart): Salad greens 
Breadbox: bread, muffins, and/or rolls

Some examples

Grains and/or Legumes:  Rice, cous cous, quinoa, barley, pasta; lentils, split peas, yellow peas (mix two for variety and complementary proteins)

Sometimes, I add some peas or other veggie to this so the kids who don’t tend to eat a variety of veggies get some by default.  The trick is not to overwhelm the grain with too much of the veggie.

Meat or beans:  Roast a chicken or other meat and slice, cut into small pieces, or shred OR Soak beans overnight, then cook and season to taste. Other options: hard-boiled eggs, nuts, and cheese.

Cooked veggies:  Pick the ones that are in season, cut them up, and steam or roast them with simple seasonings. 

Salad greens:  Pick out the ones that look good, wash, spin, and tear into small pieces.  Store with a paper towel to absorb extra water.  Sometimes I just cut up a bunch of carrots and celery for this bin.  Store in water; drain to serve, fill up again to store.

Bread:  Buy yummy bread from the local bakery, and/or make muffins or rolls. Also have tortillas on hand because if the kid needs to grab food and go, wrapping it up in a tortilla will save on messes in the car and prevents the sad loss of dishes and silverware.  New Day Bakery makes our family go around the table "I'm grateful for..." list on a regular basis.  I don't know about you, but for me, one of the best things in life is Good Bread. I don't get to bake bread often with my work and soccer mom schedule, so I spend good money on good bread.

Additions:  kids can add grated cheese, sour cream, or condiments, as desired. 

Step 3: Kid Training

Show the kids the containers and tell them about how the containers will be filled with food and kept in the fridge.  Tell them that each container will be filled soon after it is emptied and washed. To make a meal, a person should pick the kind of bread they want and at least three of the other items.  Show them what one-third to one-half cup looks like, and tell them to put about that much of each chosen item on their roll or in their bowl.  No fair taking two cups of rice, one chunk of chicken and a lettuce leaf!  Also, condiments are not to be piled on to make the taste of the food disappear!  A dollop of sour cream, not a half cup!  A sprinkling of cheese, not two handfuls.  Watch kids the first few times, and help them understand that a variety of foods is how they will get all the nutrients they need.  Teach them about “complete proteins.”

Also, put a calendar menu on the fridge.  Decide which nights will be “get your own” and which nights will be sit-down together meals. Be sure to have kids check the menu before they get their own meal. It might help to have a reference page posted above the counter where people will make their meals.

Have containers on hand for packing grab-n-go meals.  The plastic ones from some Chinese restaurants are a good size, sturdy, easy to eat from, and can be reused many times. By the way, don't use plastic in the microwave!  I store containers with the lids on, even though it takes up more room, because it saves precious time when we are in the grab stage of grab-n-go. In the car(s), be sure to have a roll of paper towels, some wet wipes, and a garbage bag.  In the kitchen, you could have pre-packed meal bags that contain a spoon and fork, a cloth napkin, and a mint.  The kid makes dinner in the plastic container, grabs one of the bags, and goes.  When done eating, just place the container in the bag and bring it all in the house when you get home.  There could be a small laundry basket in the kitchen so the bag gets unpacked right away – rinse and stack dishes and silverware, put cloth stuff in the laundry basket.  You could make fabric bags for this.  In your dreams. No, really, you could.  My kids just throw their food in the front pocket of their soccer bags.

Also, each person should have a BPA-free water bottle to fill and take everywhere.  Camelbak makes a sturdy one in different sizes and colors.  Each person can have a different color so everyone can keep track of their own source of water.  Kids going to athletic events will probably need more water than fits in one water bottle, so having big water container in the car for refills or having extra water bottles is a good idea.

And, remember; always have a book with you.  Everywhere you go.  Because you never know when mom will decide to sit and read in the car while the rain comes down on the soccer field instead of driving all the home and back again and you have to wait for your brother and sister sitting in the boring car. Hmph.

Step 4: Gratitude

The beauty of this system for me is that I can cook when I feel like cooking.  Yes, there are times I actually want to cook.  They are generally NOT at 4:30 pm after rushing home from work to hurry and get in the car to go to drop off H and A at LP fields, take R to get new cleats, pick up J from practice, pick up H and A from soccer practice and go home to get kids in the shower and to bed. I can cook after the kids go to bed, I can cook at six in the morning while I sip my coffee.  I can cook when it is time to clean out the fridge.  And my kids are still getting to eat healthy, home-cooked, good food.  Nothing makes me feel like a failure as a mom more often watching my kids scarf down crappy, chemical-laden, processed, automated food that came through the window of my car.  This is my personal version of the Slow Food Movement, thank you very much. 

The system in practice

I didn’t plan to cook this morning, but this is what I did when I woke up at six.  Tomorrow night is three-kids-at-soccer-and-one-kid-at-volleyball night.  Two bins were empty and in the dish drainer.  (See, this is a visible signal to me that cooking needs to happen.)  My partner is away, the kids have no school, and we are going away this weekend so the fridge needed to be cleaned out.  

First, I put on the rice. Six cups of water and three cups of rice cook up to fill a four-quart bin very nicely.  You might make your coffee first, but for some reason, I had the presence of mind to start the rice, then make the coffee.  Someday, I'll follow my partner around the kitchen and tell you how to make the perfect cup of coffee.  Today, I fended for myself.

Then I snapped the beans and put them in the steamer. 

I wanted to put some protein in a bin, but I forgot about soaking the beans last night. Since I'm going away this weekend, I don't want to get into the beans or meat work.  (Flexiblity is one key to happiness!)   I found some split peas in the pantry. I can hide some of those little green lovelies in the rice.  Well, not hide exactly, but mix in a way that prevents the children from avoiding them completely.  Mwaa haaa haaaa...  I was going to just throw them in with rice, but figured I should read the instructions first.  I had to put my glasses on... okay... I'm fifty... whatever.  Found out I needed eight cups of water for two cups of peas, so it's a good thing I didn't just throw them in with the rice.  That is them on the back left burner... cooking up in all their evil greenness. This, my friends, is cooking by the seat of my pants. 

Next, I sipped coffee and relished the quiet house. Then I chopped up lots of onions and about the same amount of squash.  My Ethiopian kids LOVE onions.  Threw in some salt, pepper, and chili pepper.  Oh yeah, garlic, too.  Lots of garlic. Helen is going to squeal with delight when she wakes up smelling these onions.

The other two bins already had some raw veggies, so I got them out for the photo op.  I had to put the green beans in one of my handy Pyrex dishes.  I could have chopped them up and added them to the rice or the onions and squash, but I use the grab-n-go for my lunches at work. I love plain green beans.  A mom needs to take care of herself, too.

See how nicely they fit in the fridge? 

This is a lesson in abundance.  It helps heal my Ethiopian kids' food-power issues from living in a children's home for five years and not having any choices around food at all. And mine, too.  My mom had a lot of rules around food, because her mom did.  Cycle of food stress.  I'm trying to break it.  This four-bin food system is one of my tools.  It works well for now. 

My boys are cooking up some breakfast and they just made me a second cup of coffee.  Life is Good.

Instead of painting a room while Laird is away...

...I have updated my blog. Ms. Reality Check (I visit her in the mirror) said to me, "Face it, Ms. Soccer-x3-Volleyball-Scientist Mom, you do not have the time-energy-discipline to Write That Book.  Good ideas, yeah, but writing a book and getting it published is a Huge Project, huger than a PhD, Sweetie, so until your kids # 4, 5 and 6 are in college, you need to put that thing on hold."

Now, I have to respect the chick in the mirror, even if she does talk in run-on sentences.  So... I am going to focus my creative effots into this low-maintenaince, instant-gratification vehicle of expression... the blog. So, I said yes to the updated blogger interface, and I said yes to a new template, and I am saying Yes to me.  I am accepting my current Lifestyle and committing to working within my mom parameters to get what I need. I know there are some issues (like the one gadget on the right has blue font that is unreadable...) and I am working on that as I re-learn my way around.

Meanwhile, since it is now past time to get the kids up for church... I give you this latest picture of Helen (13), Rediet (13), and Abel (11).   (The room in the background is the room I painted last year while Laird was away.)



And... Jordan (17) with her new lovee:

Tegan (almost 21! with the world at her feet)

And Ben (27, with the world in his back pocket)

Coming soon:

The Grab-n-Go System... healthy food, and lots of it, for the busy family.  I've got four athletes and this is how I keep them fed.  Recipes, too!

Living With People 101: a series of lessons in getting along and building relationships without going carzy, plus teaching kids how to Live With People.

Things That Work: short entries about sustainable products of value, family practices, and phrases for various occasions.  Oh yeah, and my favorite restaurants and places of business.

My Heroes:  short stories of my favorite people in the world, mostly ordinary folks I know who live extraordinary lives.

scone on,
Barbarita